Have You Lost Weight?

I might backhand the next woman who tries to walk up and compliment me to my face. My formerly chunky, fat face I might add. For full effect, download Weird Al Jankovic’s remake “I’m Fat” and play at maximum volume. You may also find it by clicking here. I don’t get offended usually. I am a pretty easygoing guy. But if I have one more female walk up to me and make an attempt at complimenting my size, I might stick a sharpie highlighter...

Why Do We Blog?

Before I begin I would like to give a shout out to my boy in Mt. Pleasant, whose blogalias shall be Salem Ring Baker This is a dear friend who will one day raise my children when I die at the young age of 35. So to him I tip my hat in thanks for promising to be the best Step dad out there. For full effect, download and listen at full volume Carly Simon's "You're So Vain". You probably think this post is about you anyway. It is. After...

Dora the $&%#-ing Explorer

A unique perspective was brought to light yesterday when B.E.P. Longhorn and myself were in deep thought and conversation about the more complex things in life. You know, things like Leonardo DiCaprio, being desensitized, and raising children. B.E.P. Longhorn: “Did you like the movie The Departed, Seizure Boy?”Me: “I loved that show. I thought it was a brilliant movie, and one of the best roles that Leonardo DiCaprio has played in his entire career....

The Dragon

Five bucks to the first person that texts me the name of the above character. I have met many unique and interesting comrades thus far on my journey through this congolmeration of events that some of us call "life". There have been a handful of chums that have baffled me with their balls-to-the-wall attitude. I have beheld specimens who have the same DNA splicing as Bear Gryls, Chuck Norris, Manny Pacquiao, Arnold (before politics) Schwarzenegger,...

My Exact Opposite

I sat down to lunch last week with a good friend/co-worker. You all know him. He who shall be called, J. Black Hairpiece or as his second blogalias indicates, Keith Tronic. Don’t ask me why he came up with that one. The two of us indulged in a romantic Applebee’s luncheon with a $7.99 soup and salad buffet filling our guts while cheesy managers came to offer their counterfeit salutations for selecting their restaurant. Cheesy Manager: “Thank...

The End of the W.O.D.

Just to keep those informed on the dating escapades that have evolved between SMS Hitchhiker Bicep and Mollybakes, I have just been informed that he is asking her to go up to Dixie Rock tonight. For those of you not familiar with St. George, Dixie Rock is the traditional “make-out point”, a place where plenty of tonsil-hockey gets started via literal face-offs. And for Mollybakes to think that she’s is traveling up to Dixie Rock for a nice hike,...

Online Dating is a Crock!

To keep those of you interested in the dating contest involving Mollybakes and SMS Hitchhiker Bicep, something new has developed between the two of them. SMS Hitchhker Bicep pulled out one of the most slanderous tricks in the book via text message yesterday when he said he would take Mollybakes out to dinner because he “owed” it to her. Come on, SMS Hitchhiker Bicep, you “owe” her? Elaine from Seinfeld fell victim to the same tricks and was...

Dating's Awkward Cousin, Kissing.

The hours are being wasted away at work as I finish up my office telethon. Please, cry for me, Argentina. On a side note, J. Black Hairpiece has requested a second blogalias. When referring to him in a professional manner, he shall be known as Keith Tronic. Don’t ask me where that blogalias comes from, all I know is that he wants a second blogalias. Either that or he is suffering from the same disorder that I acted out in Monday’s post. Take...

First Dates Suck

Before I begin, I would like to make a side note on the blogalias change of one who is known on Randomity as Fishmitts. It is from this sober day forth that he shall be titled, The Whovian Bullfrog. His contributions continue to impress, and he even has his own blog too. Some random scientific word that I cannot pronounce. For background noise purposes, I would suggest turning on Pandora and switching to an R & B channel for the duration of...

How to Get Rejected

I am Ted Mosby. For full effect, please download “Creep” by Radiohead, from iTunes, and play at full volume throughout the duration of this post. Today’s insight into the world of dating will cover the topic of the difficulties of asking a girl out. Or as others may call it, how to get kicked between the legs and still manage to walk away from the crime scene. This will be another personal story regarding a character who is known by the rest...

Girls LOVE Projects

What this post shall cover will be classified in the same category that gravity and the trashiness that Oakland Raiders fall into. Something that will ring true until pigs sprout feathery appendages and hover over Old McDonald’s pitchfork. The topic of this post is doctrine. So let it be written. So let it be done. I often lay in bed at night bewildered at what I need to do to make myself more available to women around me, when suddenly out...

The Best Threesome I Ever Had

We have all had bad dates. Dates that make us sick to our stomachs. Dates that make us cringe in putrid embarrassment. Dates where our molars are nearly ground to powder while we bite back sarcastic rebuttals to the pathetic discussion going on while seated at Chili’s. Oh yes, we’ve all been there. Care to hear about one of mine? It was the winter of 2001 and I was a puberty-stricken teenager just coming to the comprehension that girls did...

The W.O.D. (Week of Dating)

Last month having introduced the, wait for it, LEGENDARY "Week of Sex", I prefaced how I would be taking a specific topic and blogging about it for an entire week. Discussing unique points and angles of that specific topic. I hinted that I would be talking about the hallowed "M-word" this month, but then again, how am I going to know anything about the M-word? I'm still a single putz! Therefore I thought I would discuss the M-words precursor;...

Trivial Things

Here I stand at the free throw line inside Gold’s Gym tossing up yet another one of my endless barrage against the rim before me. I can’t remember how long I’ve been here. I don’t know how much longer I’m going to stay here. The only thing that comes to mind is the replicated procedure to which a ball leaves my hands. Spin the ball from the right hand to the left. Dribble once. Adjust weight from left side of left foot to right side of...

Don't Touch That!

Here’s another story for you. One that will keep you laughing in the middle of your day, in the middle of your week, in the middle of your blog escapades. This afternoon J. Black Hairpiece, B.E.P. Longhorn, The Glee President and myself ventured out to their most cherished of all stores. The store that all three of them praise as holy as the offspring of Mother Teresa and Pope John Paul II. The store that is so great, even South Park won’t make...

We Live For Facebook

We live for attention. We live for recognition. We live for people liking, and commenting and following our lives via the Interweb. Heck, what do you think we have blogs for? The only reason I have Randomity is so people can digitally stalk my life. I love the attention! It is because of these reasons though, why we all live for Facebook. Therefore, inspired by one of Fishmitts' most recent and most brilliant blogposts, I thought I would keep...