Sunday, April 29, 2012

The Worst Day Ever...

Anyone born in the 1980's will admit that the above image was one of the worst things that could happen to you as a child. In between chipped teeth and broken fingernails trying to pry these two apart, nothing halted creativity more than this conundrum.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

The Post Secret Road Trip

I need better sleeping habits if I come home from work for lunch and can't keep my eyes open through a half an hour session of Looney Tunes. Those poor sleeping habits are what made me have a skewed R.E.M. schedule for the last four days or so.

For full effect, download that one Kenny Loggins song about Winnie the Pooh that you and I used to listen to at night and fall asleep to. Listen to that throughout the duration of this post.

I do need to catch you up on this past weekend's events. By the way, I have been a real curse word of a blogger this year. Last year I was so dedicated, so religious about my postings. This year my blogging skills are on the same level as Lamar Odom's field goal percentage. But with that being said, I L-worded this past weekend. With a passion.

For all of you first time readers, this past Friday, myself, Chris Caldwell, and Bryan Uhri took an 802 mile road trip to Grand Junction, CO to watch a Post Secret Live event. For those of you who don't know what Post Secret is, do yourself a favor and go to I don't have the time or the energy to spoon-feed you the answer.

Road trips with guys are some of the best times of your life. They are a combination of dirty jokes, red bulls, and hot wings, all saran wrapped with deep thoughts into one another's personal lives and hidden selves. Yes, those were good times as we packed into my Rogue and took off down I-70 East for 5 1/2 hours. Have I mentioned before how that stretch of land is uglier than Khloe Kardashian? Whoa, that's two disses to the Odom family. I need to tone it down.

The trip was good. The food was better. Some hometown hot wing spot was the joint we hit up surrounded by pale ale and dozens of in-bred Broncos' fans.

In-Bred Bronco: "Shouldn't have traded Tebow. BRONCOS RULE!"

Cue four syllable word to confuse the behemoth.

The Post Secret event was a hit. Honestly it brought tears to my eyes as bi-sexuals, schizophrenics, and gorgeous deaf girls stood before a microphone and confessed their hearts out to the audience. My respect for everyone in the auditorium rose every ten minutes as we all sat in the padded chairs and figuratively held hands, all in harmony on the chorus of Kum-Bah-Yah.

For the record, the creator of Post Secret, Frank Warren, has a heart full of gold. I am convinced the man has a place docked in heaven right next to Mother Teresa and John Lennon. The man is incredible. Devoted to a heartfelt cause for no other reason other than his love for humanity and the people that surround him. Walking out of that event, I wanted to get his initials tattooed onto my lower back.

True story.

Overall, it was one of the best road trips that I've had the privilege of enjoying. And I'm sure the other sausages in the car felt the same way as we journeyed home into the night, pulling into our pad just after 3:30 Sunday morning. But it was all worth it. The screwed up sleep schedule, the lack of dietary consistency, the fact that for a split second, I think I had some kind of wet substance coming out of my eyes, all of it made the ride great. And something that I think I might L-word doing again with a member of the opposite sex.

That is, if she doesn't mind my new tramp stamp.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Pre-Post Secret

388 miles away from home, three nimrods sit at a bar in Grand Junction, waiting for hot wings and beer battered fries meanwhile glued to the pixels making up the next stage of Draw Something.

Yes, that's us. Myself, Chris Caldwell and Bryan Uhri took an extended man-date road trip across I-70. Which I may add, is the most boring piece of land outside of Wyoming itself.

For full effect, create your own road trip playlist and play at maximum volume for a sustained five hours.

I would go into detail about this trip, an iPhone combined with a fresh order of hot wings won't do it justice, so until then, just listen to Bob Dylan and tell all those dirty little secrets in your own mind. I'll be back with a full recap tomorrow night.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:At a bar in Grand Junction, CO

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I L-word Being a Man

As most of you know, I grew up in a very unique household surrounded by women. I say that meaning that I had 11 sisters. Sisters who were very girly, very feminine. However, I stood my ground and maintained my masculine side. And I have a few things to say about how I love being a man.

I love being a man. I love not worrying about whether my toilet seat is up or down. I love getting excited about watching things blow up. I love reciting the story line of the 2004 NBA finals. I love not worrying about if my pants match my shoes. I love not having to put on makeup before I go out in public.

I love getting out of the shower, stopping and flexing in front of my mirror, and thinking that I’m the sexiest guy in the whole world. True story ladies, every guy does that. I love being able to get ready for the day in under five minutes. I love not worrying about excusing the mess to guests at my apartment, simply because most guys are messy and I have a reason for my messiness.

I love lounging around in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts all day long and not feeling guilty about it at all. I love eating a double cheeseburger at one in the morning and not worrying about if any of it is going to my thighs. I love watching the Super Bowl not just for the commercials. I love ogling over a picture of Carmen Electra just because I can. I love not having to worry about the agony of childbearing.

I love discussing the latest car trends with a group of my buddies not any of us having a clue of what we’re talking about. I love not asking people for directions when I’m lost. I love watching Dumb and Dumber hundreds of times and still laughing at the same jokes over and over again. I love talking about hunting stories with my buddies that we’ve all been on, and exaggerating the details until the story is nearly unbelieveable. I love growing a beard and pretending to be the Brawny man, or Paul Bunyan.

I love having enough pride to cheer on a football team that hasn’t had a winning season in seven years. I love going camping, not showering for five days and still feeling like a million bucks. I love not asking my buddy if the pair of pants that I’m wearing makes me look fat. I love talking about whose truck could beat up whose. I love having the ability to go to the bathroom wherever I want to. I love having a simple life. I love being able to be pleased easily.

I love understanding how an engine works. I love having the words testosterone in my vocabulary and not estrogen, as well as in my body too. I love watching movies that have massive explosions and fast car chases, and not ones that have long distance love, and romance from beyond the grave. I love not crying at the sight of a deer drinking out of a pond at sunrise while classical music plays in the background.

I love getting excited over a good set of nachos. I love seeing how many gummi bears I can stuff in my mouth on a Saturday night after drinking a 24 pack of Mt. Dew with my buddies. I love watching four hours of Sportscenter a day and being entertained throughout it all. I love pretending to know what I’m talking about when a girl asks me something about cars. I love being a man.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Ever since the young days where I would lay on my mothers’ bed at night and she would pour out to me the fantastic stories created by Tolkien in “The Hobbit”, my mind has been completely fascinated with the art of story-telling. And that deep fascination has carried into the way that I compose myself around friends. My reputation as quite an exaggerator precedes me on all aspects, but contrarily is praised at all angles when my mind delves into the deep files of extraordinary chronicles that have happened at one time or another. Ears will perk up, heads will turn, eyes will become entranced as I gallop on about being chased down a set of rural railroad tracks by legions of angry policemen. Or biking through the flooding streets of Virginia Beach while a storm with hurricane force crashed down upon my companion and I. I can see the reactions and effect it has on whatsoever crowd has gathered to listen to my increasingly tall tales.

As I have gotten older, my love for story-telling has only increased, as well as my desire to use this gift to my fullest ability. I remember doing a research paper my freshman year of high school on the subject of what we as young adults would like to be when we grew older and were slammed with the choice of careers. The most trendy picks such as rock star and model were a popular selection, and there were few students who had actually a genuine love for the career that they had chosen. I decided upon a writer, although I wasn’t yet sure what medium I would be focusing on later in life. The irony of that situation 13 years ago stands staring at me in the face every time I close my eyes on another wasted day of career-pursuit, or when I jot down another hope of an idea for a future blogpost. And it is looking back at me this moment as I gaze dumb-founded at the blinking cursor mocking me on the harsh white screen.

My English teacher, Mrs. Pennsylvania Bradshaw chided and scolded me for not having more direction in my research paper as to what type of writer I would like to become. Her words are echoing off the walls of my small St. George apartment as I sit in bewilderment and frustration at the side-career paths I have walked down currently to keep food on my table and clothes on my back. Hopes and ambitions at becoming a marquee name in the field of writing are almost becoming a lost cause as I quit whistling the Toys-R-Us theme song and begin a life of a career jammed down my throat because the creative soul inside of me is too lethargic to get up and make a name for himself. Sure I have consistently vented my writing urge to this blog for the past year and a half, breaking out random posts that have given my online persona a slight uniqueness. But on the big picture it is nothing to applaud and proclaim one of the greatest single feats of my young life.

I am tired of using humdrum excuses of an infinitesimal group of has-been, could-have been, and never-was writers that were missing that one last push to become something great. To become a Hemingway, or a Tolkien, or Bradbury. The writers who have god-given gifts but are stopped dead in their tracks of excellence because of one simple word.


Fear is what prevents us all from becoming something great. Fear is what puts despicable nightmares across our minds and shatters dreams that we have all had about something that we want so very badly. Fear is what tells us that we can’t. That we won’t. That we never will. Fear is the mind’s greatest bully as we intellectually sit on the playground debating whether to stand up for ourselves and hit him back.

My mother used to say that Fear was an acronym for False Events Appearing Real. Is that the truth? Who knows? But what are the thoughts that paralyze us from doing something extraordinary? What are the bone-chilling imaginings that make each and every one of us hopefuls alter our destined position of what we truly want to become?

As I shut the lights off and stare at the ceiling after yet another has-been day gone by, it will eat at me until the sunlight gleams through my window alerting me that another day has arrived. My biggest fear is that my speech will go unheard, my words unspoken, my scripts unread. The thought that my voice will fade away into the deep abyss of unwritten writers does more than just keep me up at night. Will I use this God-given talent for more than just a blog and a semi-entertaining post every once in a while?

Only time will tell.

As the curtain is drawn to a close on the final act of a rather short essay on life and the deeper meanings of it, I can’t help but close my eyes and remember lying on my mother's bed, as I said in the beginning, and lull myself to sleep listening to the grandeur of tales of Bilbo Baggins, of Gandalf and the elven expedition, of the cave of Smaug and the journey deep into the heart of his lair. The hair on the back of my neck stands up straight as I recall the first impulsions to walk down the path of story-telling. Will the fear hold me back, or will I stare into the bullies eyes and give him an uppercut explosion of creativity and excitement that send him roaring away?

It’s a good thing my Dad taught me how to fight.

Or at least, I hope he did.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

My Secret Love Affair

Dear Hoist,

Look, I know that the two of us have had an amazing relationship over the course of us being together. It has been a wild ride, with some incredibly high highs, and of course some vomit-lined low’s. There are times in between burpees, kettlebell swings, and thrusters that make me want to go ballistic on you. But no matter what has happened, my love for you has continued to grow each and every day when we meet for a good solid hour and express our sweet passion for each other. I have loved the pet names that I have given you, names like Elizabeth, Nancy, and Fran.

Of course there is the pet name that I call you every once in a while that starts with a B and rhymes with itch, but that only happens in our arguments when you beat my physical body to a pulp. Anyway, the main reason for this letter is basically because I have to admit something to you. I made a mistake that I have to get out in the open just so that you and I can move on. Last night at around 11:30, I got a call from that girl that you know and hate with a passion. Remember who I’m talking about? “Rocky Road Ice Cream at Harmons?”

Yeah, her.

Well anyway, as I laid on my couch and thought of you, I made the stupid mistake of going out last night and hooking up with her. For two GIANT bowls we hooked up, and I thought it was so divine. In the back of my mind I was thinking, “What would Hoist say if she was just standing in my kitchen watching me shove my face full of this devilish deliciousness?” I feel so ashamed as to what I have done to satisfy my physical pleasures.

But, I have realized it was an errant mistake on my part, and after rolling around in agony all night, I realize that I need to re-commit myself to you, and what you have done for me in our relationship. I know that we’re probably going to fight and argue and you will no doubt physically abuse me, but that’s what I L-word about you. Again, I’m so deeply sorry for what I have done, and hope that you can look down in forgive me for my stupid, stupid physical mistake. I’ll see you kicking my butt tomorrow…

Much love,

Swamp Thing

Friday, April 13, 2012

WTF, Philosophy?!

There are some things in life that I will never be able to comprehend or figure out at all. Why the Trix rabbit can’t have cereal, what Louis Louis was talking about, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. Above all of those conundrums however is the most complex enigma to ever have been shaped from what I would say is some bent and twisted freakshow’s mind.


Philosophy is too spoonfuls of cheap corn syrup without the glass of water afterwards to soothe it down. It has to be the most dull subject ever taught by an individual. I was not able to figure out this subject to save my own life. From day one I was about as lost as Moses and the Hebrew slaves in the wilderness. All of this talk in Latin about existing and European dorks with funky last names that have way too many consonants in them was making my head spin.

I remember the days when I was on college and was forced to take a Philosophy course. One day in class we had a discussion on the famous philosopher Rene Descartes. Apparently one of his most profound thoughts was about whether man is a candle. It only got worse from there. We then went about arguing whether the character of a man is best exemplified by the molded wax before, or the melted puddle of wax afterward.
I immediately checked out and said that I didn’t realize that philosophy was a class about which type of candle contained my spiritual character.

My teacher asked me who I thought I was, and I replied that I certainly didn’t believe I was a blue light special item from aisle three at K-Mart.

She thought I was.

I don’t think she appreciated my insights into the fantastic world of wax, or I mean, philosophy. Maybe I wasn’t mentally deep enough to understand it. Maybe all of these analogies and aphorisms were way over my head. I didn’t fancy myself to be the smartest guy on campus, but after a conversation on atheistic existentialism I felt about as smart as a bottle of ketchup. A cheap one at that, none of that Heinz 57 good stuff.

Another possibility is the fact that I didn’t ask “why” after every single answer was given. I kind of guessed that’s what philosophy was all about. Continually asking the question why to the miniscule questions on the face of the planet.

Possible lecture from any given philosophy class: "Now class, I want you to think of a spoon. Now ask yourself, why does the spoon exist? Why is it metal? Why isn’t it wooden? Why would a wooden spoon be available? Why do we eat with spoons? And no finally, how can this so called possibly existing spoon be related to your own lives and the progression therefore?"

Who cares?! It was about as interesting as a deaf goat eating grass on a field in Estonia! Yet, why does the goat exist? Is he really eating the grass for nourishment, or perhaps he is caught up in his own routine not knowing that the grass is actually there? Is the grass there? And if it is, why is it? Is Estonia a real name for a country? What’s in a name? AAAHHH!!!!! I couldn't take it anymore!
In the end all I could do was just smile, nod, and take my bargain medicine. I mean, it wasn't that bad. In the end, it was just a bunch of Latin quotes and European guys with funky last names with too many consonants. Yet, why are the consonants there in the first place? Do the consonants even exist? Are the consonants European?

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Text Messaging is Slowly Killing Us

Being a communication major, I have often marveled at the different ways people communicate with one another, whether it be face-to-face, sign language, Morse code, whatever. I have always found communication an enthralling subject on so many levels. There is one form of communication that I absolutely can't stand, yet I'm forced to tolerate and even embrace: text messaging. For full effect, download "Killing Me Softly" by Lauryn Hill and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Text messaging seems to have taken over the world. You look in any direction and there are a half-dozen people texting someone else. Even as I'm writing this blog, I am texting someone across the country. It's unavoidable. This push-button plague has swept across the world, taking over people’s keypads like the Roman empire of old. There's no escaping this form of faux-conversation. It's ridiculous. Douchebag McClure: "See, what I do is sometimes when I'm talking to a girl I can say whatever I want to. I can say the most vulgar, nasty, sexually suggestive things to her, and then if she freaks out and gets mad at me, I can just say I was kidding or that my friend had the phone, and she won't think less of me and I won't get in trouble. That's a pretty good plan, don't you think?" Yeah, that's a really ingenious plan if you want to end up in prison, psycho! What kind of stalker-ish lifestyle are you trying to promote here? One where you can say whatever perverted things you want and then get away with it by blaming someone else? I smell a Chris Hansen/Dateline NBC special brewing about this. Another thing that absolutely irks me about text messaging is the acronyms people use in their messages. You know what I'm talking about, JK, OMG, GTG. It's silly how many of these stupid codes we use to convey such easy messages. Are we that lazy that we can't spell out the words ‘just kidding’? I think the stupidest one ever uttered has to be LOL. Who has ever said that in any real conversation? I've never heard anyone just stop and say, "I was sitting on the park bench, and laugh out loud, the paint was wet, laugh out loud." Yeah, not happening. I think my favorite acronym has to be TMISUSTIWTDACPTWEC, which means text messaging is so unbelievably stupid that I want to destroy all cell phones that were ever created. But you already knew what that meant, right? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill here, or do you see where I'm coming from? Text messaging is ruining the world. All the short messages, acronyms and smiley faces (don't even get me started on those) are destroying the foundation of human conversation text by text. There's no stopping it though. Even I can't refuse its attractiveness. For instance, the other day I had a three-hour conversation with someone who was sitting two feet away from me. Why did I do this? Because I could, that's why. There is no end in sight to the massive message miscommunication that is text messaging. Will we tire of this and go back to normal face-to-face conversations? I don't know. All I can say is if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Now if you'll excuse me, I've GTG :) LOL

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Best Map Ever

This just may be the coolest way I have ever seen to remember the United States of America.