Wednesday, August 22, 2012

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

Let me ask you one simple question: is it morally incorrect to lie about having to pee, in order to get out of a speeding ticket?

Chew on that for a few minutes while I warm up the prelude music.

For full effect, download “Bad Boys” which was the theme song for the show, “Cops” and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Everyone dislikes that heart-stopping pinpoint moment in their life when they glance in their rearview mirror and see red and blue lights flagging them down. It is that split-second instance when your dishonesty and semi-criminal behavior is being tragically exposed to every other rubbernecking passerby for a solid fifteen minutes.

Statistically speaking, 83 percent of those that are flagged down by a random off-duty officer know that they did something wrong. Oblivious alibis are thrown to waste as they dribble through excuses while the cop writes them up for going ten over. It’s that gut-wrenching feeling when our second-grade elementary teacher stands in front of the class and wants to know who thought it would be funny to draw a dirty picture on the back of the hairless hamster Brumhilda that is being claimed as the class pet.

You did it. You know you did it. Plus, that guy on your shoulder wearing that weird halo thingy keeps jabbing guilt down your bashful conscience.

We all know that it’s very difficult to get out of a speeding ticket in this day and age. Unless you’re a crafty pro at the art of flirtation, or you’re just a hot girl, chances are when you’re pulled over you are going to have to pay the fine. Or, you could just be as shrewd as I am and pull off one of the greatest police office blunders to ever happen in human history.

Cue mental ripple effect to enhance the reminiscence of a legend.

It was a late Thursday afternoon and I was rushing home to enjoy a full three hours of Family Guy on TBS, which was needed after a hectic day at the office. After running a stop sign while going 15 over in a school zone, I was suddenly caught off guard by the flashing siren and lights blazing behind me.

What was I going to do? I couldn’t afford another speeding ticket? You can’t send me back up the river packing! I have kids to feed! A sudden rush of emotions engulfed me while Officer Muffintop waddled up to my window. In a fleeting moment of panic, my mind was suddenly struck back to an SNL skit I watched when I was six years old while hiding underneath my parent’s bed. As the curtain was coming up, I put on my face, and began my charade.

Officer Muffintop: “Goin’ a little bit fast there huh pard’ner? License and regis-“

Swamp Thing: Rocking back and forth in a panicking position with my hands buried in my crotch “I don’t know what happened, but officer, I really, REALLY have to pee.”

Officer Muffintop: Taken back by the sudden admission of public piss. “You what?”

Swamp Thing: “Can you just write me a ticket or something, cause I’m going to wet my pants in the next 30 seconds.”

Flabbergasted, the Barney Fife impersonator agreed to follow me to the nearest gas station. From which I scampered in to the Texaco, counted to 100, and then strolled out whistling “Bohemian Rhapsody”.

Swamp Thing: “Alright, sorry about that, what were we talking about back there?”

Officer Muffintop: Cutting me off. “You mean to tell me that the whole reason that you ran a stop sign and were going 15 over in a school zone was because you had to pee?”

Swamp Thing: “Yeah, I was about to burst. I’m really sorry. When you gotta go, you gotta go.”

Muffintop looked me square in the eyes, debating the veracity in my testimony. I stared at him straight back, blankly, because you see kids, I know how to lie to a person. You all know that. Smugly, the obese uniform shook his head and put his sunglasses on.

Officer Muffintop: “Well, slow down. I’m just gonna give you a warning this time. But I won’t be this nice the next time I see you horsin’ around. And use the bathroom more. Geez!”

Storming off, a sly grin began to curl from the corners of my lips. Shoving himself into his overpriced Charger, I came to the realization that I had just beat the system. Yeah, so what if I may have compromised my moral values and devised a fool-proof fib that would later go down in infamy, I was king for the day. And sure, maybe Karma may come back to bite me in the butt for going against the rules of the universe by blogging about my deceitful urination, a.k.a. don’t piss and tell, either way I was, and still am, happy for once not having to show my cleavage to get out of a speeding ticket.

What do you think?


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