You want to hear about the most malicious, serpent-tongued, vile creature known to man since Queen Medusa? I'll tell you. She's a delicate deceptionist who's dainty demeanor is nothing but a façade. She is a Mr. Hyde, Benedict Arnold, Genghis Khan, and Benito Mussolini all rolled into one. She's a creature who has a devil on both sides of her shoulders.
Don't be fooled by her outward appearance. She may paint a picture of what is a supposed sweet old Grandmother who bakes loaves of cinnamon-raisin bread, concocts homemade lemonade, and cross-stitches sunshine pattern sweaters for her posterity. That is not this woman. She is deceiving. She is deep-down cruel. She has a heart that makes Charles Manson look like a Care Bear.
Let me explain. Every other day or so she sets out a few decks of cards on the counter in hopes that I will battle her in a game called Hand and Foot, her favorite pastime. It is then when she begins her sinister actions of attempting to blow one out of the water with as high of a score as possible, hoping that her opponent is pushed to weeping at the difference in scores. She gloats over a runaway win. And then she wants to demolish you again. She is the devil's shuffling little sister.
Case and point. A year and a half ago I was recovering from brain surgery. I had been out of the hospital only a few days when she pulled out the cards and proposed a friendly game between the two of us. The biggest mistake of my life was getting off the couch and agreeing to play. Two hours later I was holding my head in throbbing pain meanwhile she gloated at the 4000 point victory over an injured Tiny Tim Cratchit impersonator holding his recently operated on skull. This woman takes candy from a one-armed baby, while setting a wasps nest in the stroller as she kicks it down a hill. She is evil.
She has chased off her husband, my Grandpa, from ever playing Hand and Foot with her ever again. She proudly displays her scores on the fridge so that all of the world can see her triumphs. This is a madame who loves the group Il Divo more than she loves her own grandson. Heck for spite, this gruesome grannie bought me a broken nosehair trimmer for Christmas. Can you see what I have to deal with?!
After all that has been said and done, I still love this pernicious lady. The former Miss Tooele. The president of the freshman class at BYU. The sweet old lady who puts up with the fact that I mock her for being born in 1763. A lady who I joke about for eating two peas, a macaroni noodle and a saltine cracker for lunch every day. A lady who lives off of Dr. Phil and Oprah every day. A lady who has a musical talent capable of leading the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in spectacular harmony. A lady who I will still sit and play cards with every chance that I get. A lady who amazes me on a daily basis, and who I feel blessed to have been apart of her life. Even if she wallows in my sorrow, I gotta love this witchy woman.
You probably would too.
Location:Utah 203,Ogden,United States