"Thou shalt not bear false witness."
"Thou shalt bear false witness, in certain circumstances or situations in which you might offend someone or piss off an ornery woman about her weight."
My girlfriend Jo and I have had an ongoing battle since our very first date. She hates lying, and often chastises me for my sporadic yet constant barrage of untruths being spun from the web of my own mouth.
I on the other hand have often justified my dishonest vocabulary. I am a storyteller. I love to weave minute yet monstrous details into the fabric of everyday plots that constantly happen. I also feel that there are multiple instances where someone has to lie, someone needs to lie, someone is forced to lie rather than get their manly organs violently removed from their scrotum. Here are certain examples that I think validate my reasoning to lie. (Many if not all of these have occurred in my own life, in which lying proved to be my sanctuary.)
When a cliche woman with a broken zipper clinging by its scrappy teeth asks if this dress makes her look fat, ones response should always be, "No dear, you look great." It doesn't matter if she had a hard time sliding into the polyester jumpsuit greased in crisco. A woman never looks fat.
When a romantic married couple is off to make whoopee (the 70's term for having sex), and their children ask 'Where are you two going?' A correct response may be "We're just going upstairs to watch a really violent, loud movie." Rather than, "We are going to do the dirty."
When your girlfriend asks about where you have been for the last 12 hours, a response should not be, "I was in a car driving 12 hours to retrieve your birthday present that I am going to surprise you with." Why ruin this moment? You have the right to say that you were abducted by aliens.
On that same note, when your future fiancé asks you to swear on the holy bible that you didn't buy her an engagement ring, it is in that moment where you can double cross the ultimate ultimatum by saying, "Of course I didn't dear. I'm not ready for that step." He had a right to lie Kendra, you have to agree with me.
When an overbearingly awkward friend from the past calls you up to do lunch, it is perfectly alright to say straightforward to their ear, "Sorry buddy I can't, I'm moving to Paris next week."
When a member of the opposite sex (who you are ashamed of entertaining a relationship with) asks why you don't want to show more PDA (public displays of affection) it is ok to say "No dear, I'm just allergic to your skin tones and don't want to give you an STD (sexually transmitted disease) that I contracted by riding a tractor."
Whenever your Grandma spends hours slaving away in the kitchen on a dishload of funeral potatoes, they always taste good and you always want more, even if you feel like making multiple trips to the bathroom in hope that vomit will bring you true satisfaction.
There are always reasons to lie. And as long as we see the greater picture, our dishonesty will pay off in the end. And remember, a girl is always right.
Now there's another justifiable lie...
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Location:S 1100 W,Syracuse,United States