Wednesday, August 29, 2012

PHST Day 4


At this point on the trip, I have forgotten the number of cattle guards that we have crossed over. That tends to happen when you've driven 900+ miles in a four-day span.

For full effect, download "As Long As You Love Me" by Justin Bieber and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. This seems to have been the background music for the entire trip thus far; with the Rhinestone Cowboy doing angled pelvic thrusts on beat.

And yeah, I sweat a lot. A ridiculous amount. But there's nothing I can do about that. Just thank the poor genetics of my illegitimate biological sperm donor for that. So what if I've got sweaty pits while I'm snowboarding. It's my curse. Now just take your cheap sunglasses and shut your adolescent brace face.

I'm feeling more and more like an old man with untrimmed nose hairs and trifocals as this week has crawled on. Almost like my bones and joints are aching, my osteoporosis is kicking in. Would someone please bring me another round of Metamucil, because it’s just after 7:30 and I'm up way past my bedtime. My aches and pains combined with Keith's deviated septum would make us feel like alpha dogs in a nursing home. Geriatric behavior like this may also play a significant role in my misinterpretation of goats for sheep, the same way that Keith confuses pineapple for cantaloupe.

I know. We are old men.

Old farts like us begin to lose our attention span quickly after being trapped in a Honda Pilot for five hours a day. In between offering $105 to ask a waitress what the color of her hair is, and having “guess the elevation” contests, our senile manliness is being exposed to each other while we slurp back on our peach suicides and take hits of ground beef jerky.

The Rhinestone Cowboy: “Okay, on three, let’s both hit the play buttons on our iPhones so that they play the Justin Bieber song at the exact same time.”

Keith Tronic: “Sweet, yeah let’s do it.”

The Rhinestone Cowboy: “One. Two. Three.”

Keith Tronic: “Oh, sorry, my bad. One more time.”

The Rhinestone Cowboy: “We can do this. One. Two…”

Keith Tronic: “Fetch! My phone has some kind of delay on it for some reason, I’m hitting it at the same time you are.”

The Rhinestone Cowboy: “Don’t let me down here. One. Two…”

Keith Tronic: “Three! HAHAHAHA! YES! WE DID IT!”

Cue high-fives and shots of peach green tea.

The Rhinestone Cowboy: “This is perfect! Listen to that, they are playing his song right on cue. Just hear that sweet sound. This is like synchronized Biebering!”

Keith Tronic: “I know, it’s awesome! Swamp Thing, you better put this in your blog.”

Already on it.

What do you think?

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