Friday, April 13, 2012

WTF, Philosophy?!

There are some things in life that I will never be able to comprehend or figure out at all. Why the Trix rabbit can’t have cereal, what Louis Louis was talking about, or how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. Above all of those conundrums however is the most complex enigma to ever have been shaped from what I would say is some bent and twisted freakshow’s mind.


Philosophy is too spoonfuls of cheap corn syrup without the glass of water afterwards to soothe it down. It has to be the most dull subject ever taught by an individual. I was not able to figure out this subject to save my own life. From day one I was about as lost as Moses and the Hebrew slaves in the wilderness. All of this talk in Latin about existing and European dorks with funky last names that have way too many consonants in them was making my head spin.

I remember the days when I was on college and was forced to take a Philosophy course. One day in class we had a discussion on the famous philosopher Rene Descartes. Apparently one of his most profound thoughts was about whether man is a candle. It only got worse from there. We then went about arguing whether the character of a man is best exemplified by the molded wax before, or the melted puddle of wax afterward.
I immediately checked out and said that I didn’t realize that philosophy was a class about which type of candle contained my spiritual character.

My teacher asked me who I thought I was, and I replied that I certainly didn’t believe I was a blue light special item from aisle three at K-Mart.

She thought I was.

I don’t think she appreciated my insights into the fantastic world of wax, or I mean, philosophy. Maybe I wasn’t mentally deep enough to understand it. Maybe all of these analogies and aphorisms were way over my head. I didn’t fancy myself to be the smartest guy on campus, but after a conversation on atheistic existentialism I felt about as smart as a bottle of ketchup. A cheap one at that, none of that Heinz 57 good stuff.

Another possibility is the fact that I didn’t ask “why” after every single answer was given. I kind of guessed that’s what philosophy was all about. Continually asking the question why to the miniscule questions on the face of the planet.

Possible lecture from any given philosophy class: "Now class, I want you to think of a spoon. Now ask yourself, why does the spoon exist? Why is it metal? Why isn’t it wooden? Why would a wooden spoon be available? Why do we eat with spoons? And no finally, how can this so called possibly existing spoon be related to your own lives and the progression therefore?"

Who cares?! It was about as interesting as a deaf goat eating grass on a field in Estonia! Yet, why does the goat exist? Is he really eating the grass for nourishment, or perhaps he is caught up in his own routine not knowing that the grass is actually there? Is the grass there? And if it is, why is it? Is Estonia a real name for a country? What’s in a name? AAAHHH!!!!! I couldn't take it anymore!
In the end all I could do was just smile, nod, and take my bargain medicine. I mean, it wasn't that bad. In the end, it was just a bunch of Latin quotes and European guys with funky last names with too many consonants. Yet, why are the consonants there in the first place? Do the consonants even exist? Are the consonants European?

What do you think?


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