Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Most Awkward Break-Up

You want to hear about the most awkward thing since Carl Lewis tried singing the National Anthem? Here's something for you to take a gander at. The break-up between my girlfriend and I last week.

For the record, it's a good thing that she has de-followed my blog. She has probably tried to evaporate any scrap of my existence from her life. And I don't blame her for that. To protect her identity, her name will only be Jo. No blogalias's

Last week I spent alot of time on my knees and on my feet wondering whether she and I should stay together. The final answer seemed to be no. Therefore, I went up to Ogden to deliver a formal, and respectful departation. Let me paint the scene for you...

Picture me in my Sunday best and Dane Cook persona, on a spring afternoon sitting in front of Jo's house at 3:45 waiting for her to return home so that we could talk about going our separate ways. I was getting antsy and impatient while the minutes ticked on like hours with her not being there. This was something I was not looking forward to doing, but it had to be done.

Out of nowhere, a dear friend who shall not be named text messaged me and asked what I was currently doing. I replied that I was just about to break up with Jo. My mind was elsewhere as I sent her that information. Much to my chagrin and stupidity, Jo then sent me a text message informing me that I had sent my last message to the wrong person, who in fact was her. See the below image to recount our conversation.
Have I done many moronic things in my life? You bet. I have struck out in slow pitch softball. I have ran naked down a set of railroad tracks. I have watched Dumb and Dumberer. This I think, tops them all.

By the time she had gotten home her defense was already up. I knew it was coming. The folded arms, the head fixed upward, the aviator sunglasses on to shield her eyes. She was done. Didn't want to listen to a thing I said. And I don't blame her. My lack of paying attention to the receiver of text messages must have felt like a rusty blade in a re-opened gash. But, life moves on. As it always will.

I am a storyteller, always have been, always will. And yes, this is a story that will more than likely erupt volumes of laughter from recipients as we recount our most embarrassing moments of all time. But for now, it just sucks. From both sides. And there's nothing we can do about it.

What do you think?


  1. hahahahahahah oh MY GOSH go girl!

  2. Wow! You are a SUPER DOUCHE! Not just for putting this girl through this oh so hilarious story. You likened yourself to Dane Cook! Did you break up with her because you just couldn't hide your love of penis anymore?

  3. So sad that you can't seem to get your act together!

  4. Tall, 6'5" really hot I guess? What are you supposed to say in this block that describes yourself? I've got Brad Pitt's face, Jason Statham's Pec's, Dane Cook's humor, and George Clooney's smile? Yeah, all of that's not true, I sound like a cocky bastard. Well, at least I got the bastard part right...

  5. "For the record, it's a good thing that she has de-followed my blog."

    Yeah because 17 followers would have just been too many for one blog to handle. I am surprised a server didn't shut down somewhere.

  6. I must admit, you are right. I am a bastard.

    And I do love my penis...

  7. I read a bunch of your other posts after this and it seems like you are just one of those guys who likes the sound of your voice...but has nothing good to say.

  8. I just wanted to say that it is easy for people to hide behind anonymity and strike blows with keyboards from miles away. I stand up for you.
    You were trying to do what you felt was right and made a simple mistake. I don't see anyone posting her text messages shortly following what happened her. I'm sure they weren't something she would like to go public.
    Grow some balls before you attack someone for sharing how they feel our join the dictators doing it because chance gave them more power.
    Basically stop being a bitch.

  9. Bryan, I'm disappointed that you think so low of me. I'm sure Brock could show you on his phone that I did not say a thing after the last text pictured above. Yes, I reposted Brock's blog on facebook. I did it simply as an example of the effect social media has on relationships. I have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed by nor am I hiding behind anonymity. I'm shocked that Brock so publicly shared the end of our relationship but ultimately it is what it is. I have no anger or malice toward him. I'm thrilled that we are both happy and moving on.

  10. Jo, I never directed my comments to you or said that you were trying to humiliate him. I simply said that, in my opinion, you probably texted someone, (mother, friend, sibling) about the whole situation and that you wouldn't want those texts public.
    If you posted the blog on Facebook as an example then you should have also posted a notice about the meaning is the post and that you didn't intend backlash and that it was simply an observation. Brock's blog has few followers and the problem (or publicity) was only exacerbated the issue of it going to the masses (it's not viral..).
    I wasn't calling you names at all. I was referring to the immature comments on the post and the fact the majority were made by people who were eager to attack or belittle but not strong enough if those convictions to stand behind them with a name.