Sunday, January 26, 2014

Pregnancy vs. The Big Spoon

Women have the children, men be the big spoon. Those are the sacrifices each side makes when it comes to relationships. 

For full effect, download "The Compromise" by The Fray and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. 

You may think I'm joking, but this post is 100% sober-serious. This is not some figurative way of speaking on how a relationship is going to work out by using a metaphorical reference to two people spooning. Nay, this is a verbatim/actual reference to what it will take to make two people stay together for the long haul. And I mean this in the most literal sense. Because when push comes to shove, I think that a true man needs to realize that he is never, ever going to be the big spoon.

Plain and simple. 

Now women, you may throw a fit reading this and say that carrying a six-pound human being in your belly for nine months, plus the 36-hour marathon saga of delivering a home-cooked live action meal to a Lithuanian obstetrician is not even in the same ballpark of difficulty as someone playing the role of an attractive turtle shell, but hold on just a second, there is more pain than meets the eye when it comes to being the big spoon. 

Being the big spoon is one clusterfest of agony for eight plus hours where you're dealing with mouthfuls of hair, numb appendages, and uncomfortable contortions to your adjusted spinal column that makes any chiropractor shake his head in disgust. Being the big spoon in the C-Word is about as fun as watching a marathon of the Golden Girls without taking shots of Nyquil. And yes, I did just refer to what we’re talking about here as the C-word, not for implied dirty thoughts, but according to the Bro Code, a Bro vows to never ever say that six-digit word that rhymes with shuttle.

True story.

As men, the big spoon is the role we are destined to play. From a practical sense, we are the providers, we are the shelter, we are the ones who will have to receive arthroscopic shoulder surgery in the future after years of having our biceps used as a pillow. Sure, being the big spoon does not involve breathing exercises, dill pickle and ice cream cravings, and a contracting uterus for three days, but hey, in comparison with all of the little pains us big spoons have to endure, it’s safe to say that things even out in the end, right? I mean, we both have to sacrifice somewhere to make this work, don’t we?

Ladies, I know you’re plotting your response. You’re grinding your teeth and rolling your eyes, but let me ask you this, how many times have you been woken up by a mouthful of a man’s hair at 3:17 in the morning? How many times has your right arm lost its supply of blood for a few hours, making you feel like you’re James Franco’s character in 127 Hours? How many times have you ever been the big spoon? Unless you’re taller than six feet five inches, I say none of you have ever played that role before.

The big spoon is torture, it is agony, it is a nightlong punishment posing as physical affection. Being the big spoon is pure hell just to show that you care for someone. Ladies, the second you roll over and turn us into a human backpack, is the moment we realize there will not be any sweet dreams at all. It is the backdoor blockade of any good night’s rest. It is the ultimatum. But you know what, we will keep being the big spoon just to let you know we care that much about you.

Over the last week or so there have been a flood of blogposts trending on the Web about what it takes for a man and woman to have a successful relationship. There are women pointing out what they learned over their first 10 years, divorced men discussing things they wished they would have known in their now-dissolved marriage, all sorts of stay-at-home potential writers blogging about what they feel are the most important factors to keep a couple happy.

But if you’re going to ask this punk kid what it takes to have a successful relationship with another person, what are the guidelines to making a marriage work, and what is the ultimate rule that two people who fell in L-word need to follow to stay together, the bottom line is this.

Women be the child-bearers, men be the big spoons.

What do you think?


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