Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Bulimic Girls Should Not Give Public Speeches

Part of me thinks I should ride off into the sunset, fade away into nothing, wash my hands and close the final chapter on a blogging career that has been a little over mediocre thus far. However, after what happened Sunday night with the fandemonium over my public groping in a Mexican restaurant, I don’t think there is any way to top my accidental sexual slide into second base.  

Maybe it was the humor of the story, or maybe the Internet is just infested with pornographic-driven searches that direct people to targeted websites that have the word “boob” in the title. At this point I can’t be certain, but I will say that stories about me feeling up a woman in public sure put a smile on your face. And after all is said and done, I really don’t think there is any way I can top Sunday’s post.

Unless I tell you yet another embarrassing moment from my life.

For some reason you all love to hear about the stories of my life. Stories that range from awkward break up text messages sent to former girlfriends, or stories when I took Charles Manson’s niece out to dinner. Whatever it is, you love to hear the stories of my life. And so with that being said, and the fact that God gave me a high enough self-esteem to be able to publically embarrass myself on the Internet, I thought I would share with you yet another brief moment of complete and total shame.

Now don’t raise your expectations by any means. This is not a one-upper post that will make you laugh uncontrollably over my humiliation and for some reason has something to do with my inexperience in human sexual functions. There is absolutely no way this embarrassment can top my public groping in Mexican restaurants in any way possible. But, this might be a pretty good story to giggle over for a few minutes and could perhaps inspire a few likes and shares on the Internet here and there.

You be the judge.

For full effect, download “I Live For The Applause” by Lady Gaga and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Cut to the fall of 2007 where a more ignorant, more disrespectful, more plump version of my sarcastic self was seated on the front row of my Integrated Oral Presentations class, listening to a stick figure in earrings begin the opening line to her overly dramatic speech on a particular issue that she was dealing with in her life.

Stick Figure: “Honestly, out of all of the trials and disabilities that I have had to overcome, something that I have had the hardest time handling is coming to the realization that I…am…bulimic.”

Cue awkward silence with cricket chirps for a good solid three seconds of class time while we as an audience digested her opening line. (And yes, pun intended)

Jerkoff Me Trying To Lighten The Mood: “You can read minds?”

For the record, if you have not seen the film Zoolander at this point in your life, please do not think that I am:
A. Some complete and total prick
B. Ignorant of eating disorders
or C. Breaking the Cardinal sin of poking fun at a woman’s weight. After all, I was raised in a home with 11 women and a Father who cried at Nike commercials, I know what is right and wrong in a female’s mind. I was simply replaying one of the best all-time scenes in the history of movies based off of male models, and trying to lighten the mood for a stick figure looking for comfort as she exposed her deepest, darkest secrets to her classmates.

Cue the extended silence as the toothpick with long brown locks gave me a death stare that would have melted a hole through Kanye West’s ego.

Douchebag Me: “Zoolander…? Anyone…?” I looked around for any sign of approval as the rest of the class and my Professor Eric Young reigned down hellfire upon my soul with their scowls of disapproval. 

Stick Figure: “No. Bulimia is not funny at all. What kind of jerk are you? GEEZ!!”

She continued on with her speech meanwhile I folded my arms and bowed my head like a disfigured runt puppy showing any sliver of respect that I could to a toothpick in a blouse who from that point on had the legal rights to give me a full-on castration without anesthesia whenever and wherever she would like.

Once those vile words were spit from my mouth I was the Devil’s child to my classmates, the spawn of Satan, a despicable creature who thought poking fun at eating disorders was a civilized form of humor. Granted, none of the old farts in my class had ever seen the glorious spoof on male modeling known as Zoolander, but regardless, I was a dead man to them.

Maybe I shouldn’t have blurted out that movie quote with the hopes of getting a few chuckles. Or maybe I shouldn’t have attempted to lighten the mood on a serious issue that millions of people struggle with every day. Heck, maybe I shouldn’t have even gotten out of bed that morning. Regardless, there is one thing I did learn that day from my imitation of Ben Stiller that in my mind is still as clear as crystal.

Never use Bulimia in a punchline. 

What do you think?

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