Thursday, March 10, 2011

Before & After Alcohol


The great Homer Simpson once said, "Alcohol; the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." Half of that statement is true. Let me illustrate a scene from my life in the past 36 hours.

Following work Monday afternoon, a great friend of mine named Fishmitts, (that is his blogalias for this recounting. And yes, I did just make up the word blogalias. I will most likely use it in future reference to protect the identity of future morons.)

Fishmitts waltzed in the door and we began to recount the many joyous occasions we have had in our past over the course of our friendship. Fishmitts is quite a character. A man who once used a snowboard to sled down a hill. A man who hit four homeruns in a slow-pitch softball game while half-sober. A man who once looked into the eyes of a girl as he was leaning in for a kiss and said, "This one's for Brock Bybee." An accomplished gentleman. Someone who has the Dos Equis advocate and Norm from 'Cheers' in pure envy.

After a mere 47 seconds of friendship bonding, he pulled out a rather large orange bottle of suds and started to have a sip of old Grandpappy's cough medicine. Another character entered the scene and yelled,

"Gimme that booze you pumpkin-pie hair-cutted freak!"

Ok, I lied. Not that same line. However, once the cap was popped on his Bud Light Orange XT something something, two more fellows emerged to participate in the act which they call "drinking." (For the record their blogalias's shall be Whojagger and Benedict Marsh.)

After a few had been kicked back and the buzz was starting to evolve in their slowly burning subconscious, the following conversation must have occurred. I will recount what I can imagine this dialogue would have sounded like.

Fishmitter: Let's play a drinking game.

Benedict Marsh: Yeah man, we should!

Whojagger: I don't know guys, I gotta work in the mornin'

Fishmitter: Oh shutup. You can take it.

Awkward Pause...

Benedict Marsh: Well what are we gonna play?

Fishmitter: How about the one where we spin a quarter on the table, and before it stops we have to drink some beer. If we can grab the quarter, the next person has to drink. If the quarter falls, then they lose, and they have to try and do it again.

Benedict Marsh: That sounds awesome! I'll go get the case of 30 Miller Lights out of my truck!

Whojagger: Yeah man, and get some Funions too! And lots of water man, yeah! (Alright, I made that last line up, but I doubt anyone knows what movie I quoted.)

I remained downstairs while the alcoholic orgy ensued. All I could hear was loud bangings, laughter, and chairs scraping on the floor. Within a half hour, this game erupted onto my dining room table. Only the picture can give it justice as to what was going on.


For reference, Fishmitts, Whojagger, and Benedict Marsh all asked to be removed from this photo because of copyright infringement purposes. That or they were embarrassed and ashamed that their ugly mugs would appear on this blog. Either way, I didn't care as they sat in the background and drooled helplessly out of their mouth similar to a Zombie BYU-coed. And yes I hate BYU that much Grandma.

All of this brings me to the title of this entire blog. Alcohol changes people. In a grotesque Peter Griffinesque fashion. Fishmitts was no longer Fishmitts. He was a completely different redneck numbskull. A kid who didn't care that a massive diarrhea donation had been given a few hours earlier to the toilet he was vomiting uncontrollably in. A kid who got confused between the cup he was drinking from, and the cup he was spitting his chewing tobacco discharge into; to the point where he spit beer and drank his own Copenhagen Saliva. A kid who is a member-in-training of AA. A kid who I didn't even know anymore.

They may have had fun, they may have enjoyed getting wasted, they may have not even remembered playing the game they call 'Minefields', who knows? All I can say is that alcohol completely changes people. Changes them to creatures that would make Charlie Sheen look like the town mayor. Changes them to people that I don't even know.

To edit Homer Simpsons quote, I think it rings true. "Alcohol, the cause of, and uh...., well cause of, all of life's problems."

What do you think?

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