Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Four Characters


Call me half-empty. Call me negative. Call me Brett Schwartz for all I care. Call me what you will. I may be in a bad mood as I sit in the middle of Nowhereville again. (For the record, Nowhereville, is next to Backwardsville, just about 147 miles south.) Anyway, I'm losing my sanity, so to keep from bouncing off the padded walls in a hug-myself jacket, I will just vent a bit about four characters to which I would love to backslap with a trombone. Four characters who without question are on my blacklist. Four characters whose middle names are douchebag, jerkface, dipstick, and I-suck-big-time, respectively.

"The Moocher"

This character was invented after a late night run to Roberto's Mexican where I picked up a nice batch of Carne Asada Nachos. At one in the morning, I don't want anyone touching my nachos. They're my nachos! Stay the swear word away from them! When out of the blue, "the moocher" comes strolling in and decides to harvest his appetite on my chips and salsa. This character's blogalias shall be, Apple Gardner Bookstore. There are only a few who know of whom I am speaking of. As I open my container, AGB politely poses the following question.

"Hey bro, you mind, if I uh...have a nacho?" He is actually versing in girlspeak here, to which he really means, "Hey dude, I'm gonna sit on this couch and eat 72% of the nachos in that styrofoam box because I'm too lazy to get a job and buy my own styrofoam box of carne asada nachos. That cool with you? Good, cause I don't care what you say. I'm gonna mooch off you regardless."

AGB lost all respect from my end as I got a whopping 7 chips and a sniff of my freshly cooked steak and chips at 1 a.m. Mr. Moocher, you suck big time.

"The One-Upper"

This character was introduced to me one late night at Guy Council. (Check past blogs to know what Guy Council is.) We shall name his blogalias, Denny Tallahassee. The "one-upper" comes from the fact that he always has to outdo you, always has to one-up you. No matter what you say, he has to best your accomplishments. For instance, this conversation occurred between myself and Denny Tallahassee.

Me: "Man, I'm so tired, I went to bed at like one last night. I got in late."

Denny: "Oh yeah, I didn't go to sleep till two! I got in later than that!"

Me: "I think the bad part came from the fact that I had to get up early at 6 a.m. to go to work."

Denny: "Oh yeah, I had to get up at 5:30. My boss called me in so early. I got way less sleep than you did."

It doesn't matter what facts you state to this idiot, he will top you. He will beat you. He will outdo you. It could be your new car's engine, the reps that you bench press, or your penis size, he will beat you. He will one-up you. He is better than you are. Just accept that.

"The Yelper"

This character comes from a pick-up basketball game in the Old Gym many years ago. His blogalias shall be Talbot Wannabe57. In the game of basketball you play offense and defense. However, there are some piss-poor idiots who decide that rather than play defense, they will scream and yell at the top of their lungs at a high-pitch volume to hopefully distract you from making that shot, from bouncing that pass, from cross-over dribbling right past them.

I think it's the fact that they have come to the realization that they are not athletically fundamental, or gifted, or whatever enough to be able to stay on their feet for longer than 30 seconds at a time. So to combat their un-coordination, they will use annoying yelps to somehow mess you up when you have the ball. For the sake of the game yelpers, shut up.

"The Serenader"

Technically this character fits into the "douchebag" classification, but he is on my list of buttholes this morning. He was introduced to me many years ago as I was at a party trying to meet girls, when he pulled out his guitar and started singing a Garth Brooks cover to try and impress the ladies. Actually, I'm staring at this same character as I type, while he is sitting on the other side of the Snow College commons hoping that some babes will swoon in admiration at his genius in swiping a G-chord and roaring out badly matched country lyrics.

I think out of the four numbskulls that I've been venting about for the last hour or so, the serenader tops the charts of stupidity. He is the one that I wish would have Edward Norton do a curbside kick to, as in American History X. He is as dense, and as shallow as you can get. I would only imagine that in his own mind, he has the following quote regurgitating his confidence. "That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I keep getting older, they stay the same age." Come on Erik, take a shot on this one.

All in all, these are four characters that I despise. That I loathe. That I can't share the same fecal flushers with. But then again, I probably fit into someone else's character list of guys that they can't stand. "The sweater" "The Dixie kid" "The bastard" "The double-dipping two-timer-who-can't-commit-jerkoff". We all piss someone off in our lives. At least I'm not serenading a one-upped song while mooching nachos.

What do you think?

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