Would you like to know about one of the most agonizing procedures ever known to man? Something about as frustrating as trying to chew on a piece of cotton candy? Something as irritating as a 2-year old nephew the day after Halloween? Well, I’ll tell you: Trying to pick out a new pair of glasses.
Oh, the pain that ensues is worse than getting your armpit hair waxed by a group of savage females. I don’t think I would wish this curse upon anyone. And sadly enough, I had to go though this.
You see, I “broke” my 21⁄2-year-old pair of glasses a few years back by snapping them in half after my beloved Ohio State Buckeyes lost a second consecutive national championship to the University of Florida Gators. I put off the process of actually getting a new pair because I knew what pain and suffering it would cause.
Having a pair of glasses doesn’t really bother me. I actually enjoy having them. At times I feel very professional with them on, like I am accomplishing something in the world. And the fact that my 10-year-old little sister wears them and calls the two of us twins is another sweet benefit of them as well.
So it’s not the actual wearing of the glasses that irritates me. And it’s not the eye exam that is the problem. Well, sort of. It gets kind of annoying having the eye doctor go through a million frames with that giant headdress-looking machine strapped to your face asking the question, “Now, which can you see out of better, this one, or this one?” about as many times that you want to grab the doc and scream, “FOR GOSH SAKES WOULD YOU JUST PICK A PRESCRIPTION BEFORE I ASK YOU WHICH SET OF PLATE-GLASS WINDOWS YOU CAN SEE OUT OF BETTER THAT I THROW YOU THROUGH!!!”
Those aren’t the real issues at hand. The torture begins when they unleash you on the endless barrage of frames and say, “All right, go ahead, pick out your new face,” with a smile plastered on their mug about as fake as Pamela Anderson’s… I’ll just stop right there. That’s where the real anguish begins.
It’s probably because there are so many options that make it difficult to begin with. And you feel like you have to try on every single one in the entire store because you don’t want to miss out on some pair that could make you the dynamo you really are. It is a truly complicated and grueling decision to make. If you think about it, it’s like picking out a new part of your face, sort of like if you were at a nose store, and you were going to buy a new nose. This is something that is going to be with you every single day, all the time, something that everyone is going to see. How tough is that? It’s like choosing which child you love more.
It’s a decision that is impossible to make. You start going through them all: the classic frames, the old-school frames, the clown-looking frames, the professional frameless frames, it never ends. And then you’re reminded of a pair of glasses that the one kid in my English class has, that are so good looking, and I want to wear those too. And then you find them, put them on, and you look like an absolute doofus wearing them.
Another aspect that is so difficult about this decision-making process is that they have to match your personality as well. A wild, sanguine, happy-go-lucky individual with no regard for anything with the word serious in front of it has no business putting on the professional, stoic, frameless frames, and vice versa. So not only does this new face that you’re going to be wearing have to look good on you physically, it has to match the way you act around other people. This tormenting just never seems to end.
After a few days of poking around the store, I finally just closed my eyes and grabbed the first pair that I could get my hands on. It seemed about as reasonable as the previous 72 hours of time I had wasted in the store prior. Do I look good? I have no idea. For some reason some old lady at a retirement home thinks I stole her old pair. I guess I turned into George Costanza.
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