My Tattoo...

So I’ve been thinking about why I don’t have a tattoo.

To me, tattoo’s are absolutely fascinating depictions of art that are displayed on the human body.

It is estimated that 36% of people aged 18-29 have at least one tattoo on their bodies. So why am I not a part of that 36%?

Here are a few reasons. Also known as tattoos that I will never get.

First. I will never get a Japanese Kanji tattoo. Why do guys get them in the first place? Am I more masculine if I get the word “Strength” or “Honor” in a completely different language tattooed to my shoulder, which is the typecast appendage where the ink is placed. No, I am still a moron. How in the heck do I know that he’s putting on the motivating words I asked for? The guy is probably writing the words “booger” or “fart smeller” instead.

Along with the dipstick Kanji tattoos that compensating guys my age get, there is also the arm band that will never grace my biceps. Originally created as the barbed wire arm band, this “tough-guy” line has gotten bigger, and wider, and tougher, and dumber. You take a few steps up the douchebag scale by getting this.

Girls can be placed on the douchebag scale by getting the “I’m-a-piece-of-white-trash” mark, also known as the tramp stamp. Now the tramp stamp is usually a butterfly logo just above their buttcrack. This is a symbol of disgrace. Notifying us of their pathetic qualities. Why a girl places this stigma on their backsides has no logicality in it whatsoever.

If I were going to get a tattoo, I would get veer away from these types of stereotype stains that have been smeared to their skin in a sickening fashion. I would be original. I would be unique. I would get something that meant something to me, but also was something that would keep me chuckling 70 years from now.

Here are a few good ideas:

• I could turn my entire front torso into a face. Put the eyeballs over my nipples, put the nose on my sternum, and make my belly button the gaping open mouth.
• I could put a blue stripe and a red stripe on my calf’s imitating the idea that I have knee-high socks on.
• I could get the entire Virginia Richmond Mission boundaries tattooed to my chest. Right next to my CTR shield. (For the record, if you do this, you are the epitome of a dimwitted schlemiel.)

There are plenty of different skin stains I can get, but I think the absolute best tattoo, would be about 6 inches below my belly button, a simple picture of a guy mowing a lawn.

Side view.