Sunday, July 4, 2010

Lie to Me

Is lying to someone necessarily a bad thing?

In certain situations, I wouldn’t think so.

We have all lied before. Every one of us. Those who say that they have never lied before are no doubt lying through their teeth proclaiming that.

Lying is an art. Women do it about their weight, senior citizens about their age, jerk’s do about their bench press max, heck, I lie about the masculine scar on my chin that I got from my wild days as an extra in the movie “Fight Club.”

With that being said, for those who read my “M-word” rant a few weeks ago, understand my frustration with the Utah Mormon culture stating that if you don’t have a spouse by the age of 25, then you are a menace to society.

By that definition, I am that menace.

Enter into the equation my dear old Uncle Scott Watterson. Now I love this man. He’s a great influence, and has helped me through a lot of ups and downs in my life. But I want to clobber the man’s molars out of the back of his head with a wooden boat paddle every time I see him. Simply because every other word out of his mouth is stressing about how I need to find my “eternal companion.”

Besides that we’re best friends.

Here is just one of the many stories that will help you understand my feelings, as well as see the magnificence of fabrication.

Last night I was at a family get-together and within the first 26 seconds that I had greeted my great Uncle Scott, he had already brought up the point that I was still single and should still be looking.

I had already checked out of the evening’s conversation.

After around 45 minutes of continual barraging from his side, and after he had asked me to go get yet another girls number, I turned to him and said,

“Well the thing is, Uncle Scott, the reason why I don’t want to go over and talk to that girl is because, well, I’ve actually been dating a girl now for about three weeks, and I just didn’t really want to be put on the spot.”

“Really?” He said. Shocked, chagrined, overwhelmingly pleased. “Tell me about her.”

“Well, her name is Paige Conrow, (yet another reference) she’s an RN from Murray, I met her at an appointment I had about 3 weeks ago for my seizures, and things have been going well ever since.” I said as my snake-like tongue shriveled back and forth in deception.

“That’s great!” He said. “I’m so happy for you! That is wonderful. You’ll have to keep me posted on how things keep going with her.”

“Of course I will.” I said.

If you ask me, this was not such a bad usage of deceptive vocabulary. I had pleased his attempts at my pursuit of a wife, as well as shut him up for the night. Is it a sin? Was it wrong? Should I be punished for my errors in honesty?

Last night though, I don’t think I was the only one who was lying. As the great Homer Simpson said, “It takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.”

What do you think?


  1. Interestingly, this weekend my bro was asking me about my dating life...he never does that. The way people ask is very comical because they say it with worry and caution in their voice and facial expressions when asking. Hey, we'll keep each other company in Hell. Deal?

  2. Dude, I feel ya. This is why I like to not go home or visit relatives, because of these questions.