Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Dragon

Five bucks to the first person that texts me the name of the above character.

I have met many unique and interesting comrades thus far on my journey through this congolmeration of events that some of us call "life". There have been a handful of chums that have baffled me with their balls-to-the-wall attitude. I have beheld specimens who have the same DNA splicing as Bear Gryls, Chuck Norris, Manny Pacquiao, Arnold (before politics) Schwarzenegger, combined with the ovum of Angelina Jolie's characters in Tomb Raider, Wanted, and Salt. None of these hard-hitting homo sapiens can hold a candle to the greatest of them all. I am talking about someone whose name Voldemort reverences. Even South Park would not disprespect this durable definition of true awesomeness. I am talking of the great...(wait for it)...Dragon.

Yes that's right kids, the Dragon himself. The Dragon needs no blogalias. His name speaks for itself. The Dragon is a person who I met my Freshman year of college. And in the first seven seconds following our introduction, mind=blown is a good description for what I was attempting to understand. If one were to make a list of the things that Dragon has done, there would not be enough paper to transcribe his glories. The creators of the Dos Equis beer commercials actually got the inspiration from Dragon. Those beer ads are merely a fraction of what Dragon has achieved. In the nine short years that I have known Dragon, I have either personally witnessed, or come to find out the following facts about who he is:

Dragon has read and translated both Mark Twain's novel "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" and Leo Tolstoy's classic "War and Peace" from English to Klingon in exactly 24 hours.

The famous "Stifler", wanted to use the screen name of "Dragon" once he gained popularity in the film American Pie. However, Dragon respectfully declined and asked him to stick with the goofy sounding name of Sean William Scott. Who names their kid Sean Scott anyway?

Dragon was the backbone behind the popularity of POG's in the mid-90's. He in fact even came up with what the acronym stood for. Many assumed it stood for Pineapple-Orange Guava lids. When it actually stood for Papa's Old Goatee.

Dragon came before the chicken or the egg.

Hercules, Andre the Giant, Donald Trump, and Barney Stinson all have had full-size marble statues of Dragon in their bedrooms.

Dragon plays ping pong with the same 550 lb. balls that are used in The World's Strongest Man competition.

For a brief time period in his life, Dragon would tame wild ostriches who ran in herds on the beaches of the Canary Islands.

Dragon has cartwheeled up and back to the top of Mt. Everest, Mt. Kilimanjaro, Mt. McKinley, and Dixie Rock.

Dragon has a beard that could beat up any facial hair whisked by Tom Selleck, ZZ Top, or Santa Claus.

Before Dragon was married, we had a bachelor party for the old chum. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him that there was a stripper in it. Granted it was a cupcake, and the stripper was a midget, but still quite an accomplishment!

Dragon is the "who" for which the rock band "The Who" is named for.

While going to school, Dragon received a Magician's degree with an emphasis in Janitorial Science. He is one of four people to have received this degree in the history of humanity.

Dragon used to longboard both up and down the slopes of Foremaster road. His awesomeness was so great, that once he got to the bottom of the hill and his momentum had ceased, the gravitational pull of the Earth's motion would rotate in reverse in his favor.

Dragon's spit has been bottled up and marketed as a bottled water supplement to people all around the world. You may be familiar with it, it's called Evian.

Did I mention that his name is freaking Dragon?

Dragon's hometown where he grew up is Elephant Island, Antarctica.

For two years, Dragon served an LDS mission in Boise, Idaho where he spent much of his time participating in what he coined as "Shock and Awe Tracting." After he left, they renamed the mission in honor of him as the Dragon's Lair, Idaho Mission.

Dragon is Morgan Freeman's Godson.

Dragon makes motivational speeches have their own motivation.

The girl from the song, "My Sharona" is actually Dragon's Sharona.

Dragon was the teacher/mentor for Q, who is the teacher/mentor for M, who is the teacher/mentor for 007.

Dragon uses the Stanley Cup as a spittoon.

Dragon was the voice coach for Celine Dion. Heck, he even wrote the song "My Heart Will Go On" for the movie Titanic.

And finally, Dragon has hit a baker's dozen hole-in-one's. His 13th hole-in-one was with a pitching wedge on a par 6 hole that had an elevated sand-trap green in the middle of Lake Michigan.

What do you think?

1 comment:

  1. Burninating the country side! Burninating all the people, in their thatch-roof cottages! THATCH-ROOF COTTAGES!!!!!