The two of us indulged in a romantic Applebee’s luncheon with a $7.99 soup and salad buffet filling our guts while cheesy managers came to offer their counterfeit salutations for selecting their restaurant.
Cheesy Manager: “Thank you so much for choosing Applebee’s. We really appreciate YOUR business.”
Me: “No you don’t, you Scrooge McDuck wannabe Michael Scott impersonator. It is your lispy saliva modules that are ruining my French Onion soup. Why don’t you go in the back and watch My Little Pony re-runs so we can finish our meal in semi-peace.”
Yes, I am a jerk. You all know this.
As I stared across the table at his big blue-greenish eyes, I came to the realization that J. Black Hairpiece is the complete reverse of me. The polar opposite of Seizure Boy. I have known this kid for almost a year exactly, and aside from our race, gender, job and religion, he and I are on entirely different teams. For the record, the above picture is being used to best visually imply how uniquely opposite the two of us are. By the way, I am the Black Spy. He was always the better one.
Here are just a few examples to show how different the two of us are:
J. Black Hairpiece cheers for BYU. I cheer for Ohio State.
J. Black Hairpiece has an adoring wife and soon to be two beautiful kids. I have an inflatable Russian mail-order bride, and two eh, somewhat semi-attractive roommates.
J. Black Hairpiece is a licensed real-estate agent in St. George. I still don’t know what the phrase “real-estate” means yet.
J. Black Hairpiece is half-empty. I am half-full.
J. Black Hairpiece buys leather couches to enjoy his quality spare time. I buy “Never Summer” snowboards to enjoy my quality spare time.
J. Black Hairpiece does “The Regiment”. I do P90X.
J. Black Hairpiece enjoys taking the boat out on a long and lazy afternoon, and sitting back with a fishing pole in hand hoping a deep-throat bass picks his line up. I would rather watch paint dry on the set of “The View” while listening to my Grandmother’s high school friend recount her tales of when she went on vacation to the Sierra Nevada mountains for three weeks and forgot her undies, rather than try to catch a fish.
J. Black Hairpiece lives, breathes and dies for Costco. I just shop at Costco.
J. Black Hairpiece is confused as to why I sit at a computer typing away at a “pointless blog”. I am confused as to why J. Black Hairpiece sits online reading about companies that are now considered to be in the “pointless Fortune 500”.
J. Black Hairpiece shoots the ball from long-range very well in pick-up basketball games. I give out great outlet passes in pick-up basketball games.
J. Black Hairpiece hablas Español. Ich spreche Deutsch.
J. Black Hairpiece gives a very professional, very expert, very formal presentation to audiences when he is on the job recruiting high school students. I tell knock-knock jokes and am one step away from dressing like a clown and blowing up inflatable balloon animals for my audience in presentations.
J. Black Hairpiece was a business major. I was a communication major.
J. Black Hairpiece sits down to lunch analyzing a local food joints “curb appeal”, “location” and “marketability”. I sit down analyzing our waiter’s body language, eye contact difficulties, and interpersonal skills.
J. Black Hairpiece has two blogaliases. I have one.
J. Black Hairpiece shakes his head whenever someone makes a dirty joke in public. I look for as many possible opportunities to say “That’s what she said” followed by “Giggity”.
J. Black Hairpiece wants to purchase 40 acres of land in Beryl, Utah as an “investment” for future generations. I have never been to Beryl, Utah and cannot foresee any possibility of generations in the near future.
As we sat in a comparison of our lives, much similar to a Freaky Friday-esque evaluation, and the soon to be released box-office flop remake, The Change Up, starring Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds, the doctrine came to mind that we always want what we cannot have. There are things about my life that J. Black Hairpiece semi-wishes were his; the snowboard, the knock-knock jokes, the affiliation with Ohio State. Likewise, there are things about J. Black Hairpiece’s life that I envy; the beautiful wife, the beautiful kids, the beautiful couches…wait a minute… ok, maybe just the wife and kids.
Time will pass, we will both grow older, go through phases of our lives that we love and hate. J. Black Hairpiece will become a successful businessman/entrepreneur who will one day be crowned Mayor of St. George. I will still remain a Toys-R-Us Kid who will one day be crowned the pessimistic dunce of St. George. But when all the cards have been laid down, one thing is for certain. I sure love and respect the great J. Black Hairpiece.
And I’m sure that the feeling is mutual.