Saturday, June 18, 2011

Online Dating is a Crock!

To keep those of you interested in the dating contest involving Mollybakes and SMS Hitchhiker Bicep, something new has developed between the two of them.

SMS Hitchhker Bicep pulled out one of the most slanderous tricks in the book via text message yesterday when he said he would take Mollybakes out to dinner because he “owed” it to her. Come on, SMS Hitchhiker Bicep, you “owe” her? Elaine from Seinfeld fell victim to the same tricks and was nearly in a committed relationship because a guy kept “owing” her something. It could have been a petty wager, or an attempt at thanks, but either way both he and Mollybakes are currently enjoying the evening together, and perhaps falling in L-word all because he “owed” it to her.

Back to live action.

As I sit back on my bed typing away tonight, a cheesy commercial proposing to improve my dating life airs during the commercial break of Tommy Boy. Thanks for ruining my 2-hour memoir of Chris Farley you petty advertisement. Match.com, they say is a one-way ticket to finding your soul mate. In the commercial, a cat-laden 40-year old, and a balding divorced 35-year old hold each other and sway across the screen, while the father of the felines recounts how they “just fit so well together, and it was all because of Match.com!”

Announcer: “Match.com leads to more dates, more relationships, and more marriages than any other site out there!”

Me: Raising my hand. “Excuse me, I think you forgot to add most divorces too. Just throwing that out there.”

When the online dating trend started to heat up, I vowed to myself that I would never fall victim to it. But then again, if I’m still single in five years, who knows what will happen?

Online dating to me is the digital version of my previous post on first dates. It’s the 1’s and 0’s of lying through your hard drive via the Interweb in hopes that someone will find you attractive. Think about it, what would someone put on their online profile? Do they tag themselves in a photo at the Star Wars convention with Jabba the Hut? What if their body is the same size as Jabba the Hut’s? Do they post an actual photo of themselves as their profile pic? I doubt it.

People lie all the time, especially on online dating. When filling out a profile, would the average Joe who has the entire soundtrack to Glee memorized admit that? Would a woman who has a combination of an eating disorder and A.D.D. discuss the difficulties of her lifestyle? Does a computer nerd who has a lifetime subscription to seven different porn magazines and lives in his mother’s basement state the truth?

Of course not! In online dating, one would only give the world a tip of the iceberg peek at who they really are, and later on down the road, that’s when the baggage starts to come to fruition once they have been ball-and-chained to a relationship.

Sure there are the success stories here and there, but has the world fallen to this crutch of having to use our computer monitors to find someone to date? Has the concept of having the balls to ask a girl out in public, even in Gold’s Gym mind you, been forgotten? Forgotten to the point where we all put on petty profiles and surf the web’s dating services in hopes that we can “wink” or “IM” or write on someone’s online wall?

Yes. Our society is that pathetic.

And here it comes again. Another online dating service advertisement. This one for eHarmony.com. “Love is out there. We can help you find it.”

No. No you can’t.

I will not sit on my butt watching these counterfeit couples give all hail and praise to a dating site simply because they lacked the interpersonal skills to go out and find a mate for themselves. Don’t you think they would feel insulted when their kids asked how they met?

Online Dating Dad: “Well, this one day, I was browsing around on the Internet, and I came across your Mom’s profile on this online dating service I was using. And it was in that moment, when I saw her square inch RGB profile window picture, that I knew that she was the one I would be with for the rest of my life.”

Online Dating Mom: “Isn’t that romantic kids?”

Rejected, depressed, ashamed child: “No. No it’s not.”

As much fun as it has been ripping this joke of a matchmaker to shreds, one day I will probably be a rejected, depressed, and ashamed individual creating my own online dating profile. Heaven help us all.

Back to Chris Farley.

What do you think?

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