Tuesday, September 27, 2011

W.O.W. Day 2

8:45 a.m.- As my alarm goes off I notice a 2-inch earwig just chilling on the pillow next to me. I'm not sure if this is their version of a continental breakfast. I then proceed to be hosed off by the nozzle mistakingly confused as a shower head. The water is scorching out so fast it could remove the paint from my car. I think the red scars on my chest will be a constant reminder about the Lazy B Inn. You could give me the nickname of "The Boy With The Showered Tattoo." That might be a best-seller. We'll see.

9:27 a.m.- I'm greeted by a Student Body Officer at Star Valley High School who's wearing a giant 10-gallon hat and a plaid neckerchief. At first I think it's the hippest way to dress in these parts. But then I am told that it's Cowboys vs. Indians day at their high school for the week of Homecoming. Oh boy...

12:58 p.m.- I pull into Kemmerer. And I thought my bathroom was small. Wait, what? There's a high school here? What was that? The ceiling in the gym is lined with asbestos? Did you just say half of the school is torn down? Alright. I'll do my best to try and talk these kids into coming where there aren't 7-foot snowdrifts in July.

3:01 p.m.- Two exits away from Evanston, I see a giant billboard on the side of the road advertising for Chick-Fil-A. At the bottom of the billboard, I see two live cows grazing in the field surrounding it. Either thats some incredible advertising, or there's some cows out here that could outthink the slow sheep from yesterday.

4:18 p.m.- I walk into the lieu of my hotel room to take a "void" (if confused, find a nurse and she'll explain that to you) when I am greeted by a telephone planted right next to the John. See picture. Wait, so they are expecting me to be mid-bowel movement and pick up the phone to check in with The Swede? Alright, but only because you put it there for me.

5:41 p.m.- Stop by Wally's which is the local hip food joint in town. I'm trying to get as much of the "home-cooked" meals as I can. Meanwhile my arteries are getting a little bit pissed off. Behind me there's a retro mid-90's arcade version of the game "Action Sports Hunters." If I had a nickel for every time I saw one of those. Well...I guess I'd be flat broke then.

6:12 p.m.- I overhear the following line from the kitchen, and this is verbatim:
"I told the kid if he didn't shave then everyone would know that he's a pedophile."
I put down my pastrami sandwich.

6:21 p.m.- I take a little drive around Evanston to understand the culture here. I think that English majors would have a heart attack at all of the grammatical errors that show up in the advertising. "Fre Snikers" and "Dubble Fresh Beeff" just to name a few.

6:47 p.m.-I walk up to the local movie theater to see the movie Drive, when the cashier shakes her head.

Cashier: "Sir, we don't accept debit or credit cards here. Only cash or check."

Swamp Thing: "Check? What's a check?"

Cashier: "It's a form of paper that you can...". I tune her out. They must not take witty sarcasm here either.

6:58 p.m.- I'm seated in the theater after finding the only ATM in 50 miles. While I pull out my phone to finish up this post, the theater manager walks down the aisle to address me.

Manager: "Sir, can you please put your phone away, we do not allow distractions such as this."

Swamp Thing: "Huh? Is this your form of witty sarcasm? A: the movie doesn't start for another twenty minutes, and B: I'm the only one in this entire theater. Who am I distracting? The 109 other empty chairs, or the curtains that haven't been washed since the depression?"

Manager: "Sir please, or I will escort you out."

For the sake of a potentially award-winning film, I stuff my smart phone away.

9:35 p.m.- Good movies like this make up for eh, decent towns where I'm trapped in. Rather than go drive the boulevard or go bunny bashing, I'll turn in early to get a fresh start tomorrow. Hopefully, the Best Western here has a better breakfast than the one I dined on this morning.




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Location: Afton, Kemmerer, Evanston, WY

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