Thursday, September 8, 2011

Unshaven Red Rock

I'm still on the road roaming from town to town as a traveling salesman living out of the back of my Nissan Rogue. Today's journey has carried me from Richfield to Beaver to Cedar City, including pit stops on the side of the road with highway patrol lights flashing in my rearview. But don't worry, I know how to talk my way out of those types of situations.

Cop: "Mr. Bybee we clocked you going 73 in a 55. Did you know that you were speeding?"

Swamp Thing: "Oh really officer? I had no idea. I must say you look ravishing in that dark uniform with the badge, very attractive." Cue the smooching lips.

Cop: "Why thank you Mr. Bybee, but I'm married. And plus I don't swing that way."

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

In other news I was driving down the road in Cedar City this afternoon when out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of something that from a Bob Ross perspective would make someone cringe.

Now I'm not being critical of Cedar City with these next few paragraphs They had no say in it at all. Plus, I've learned to really like this community 49 miles north of where I live. SUU is a great school and it's a nice, quaint town nestled in the rocks around it. It's the rocks however that have the real problem.

Because they're UGLY!

See the above picture for dramatic emphasis. Don't get me wrong, I L-word the red rocks, I really do. It's something that looks great against the blue sky and desert clouds surrounding it. Yeah, so what If I'm sounding a bit artsy fartsy, I think the red rocks look spectacular. But when they have a spattering of ugly green sagebrushes all over them, that seems to ruin the ultimate effect.

Those plant-like boogers that are painted across the rocks makes it look like the canyon is making a weak sauce campaign at growing a peach-fuzz beard meanwhile just entering puberty. A failed environmental attempt at being a man, with a sad case of scruff dotting the landscape.

It's ugly. Plain and simple. I almost want to take a couple hundred barrels of Edge shave gel and a Gillette Mach 5 razor and help this hillside become a man. Because right now, it's getting shut down by all of the pretty little ladies surrounding it.

Especially the belles from down south named Dixie.


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