Let me paint a dirty picture for you. Jump back 12 years to the summer of 1999. I was a young lad, a 14-year old pre-pubescent sophomore football player getting beat up on the practice field of Ernest F. Durbano stadium in triple digit temperatures. Those were long days of sweat, 15 lbs of pads, concussions, and anything else associated with a classic pastime.
After practice one day we were getting dressed and razzing each other like normal teenage boys do, when out of nowhere a defensive lineman named Jake Campbell looked at our offensive tackle, whose name I shall not release, and the following conversation ensued.
Jake: "Dude, have you ever looked at your chest in the mirror?"
OT: perplexed, yet frightened look "Umm....No? Why?"
Jake: "You have some really, odd-shaped nipples. I mean those are pretty large."
OT: Violently folding his arms "Shutup, no I don't."
Jake, "Yeah, yeah you do. They're kind of like pepperoni. That's it. You've got pepperoni nipples. Check it out guys, his nipples are bigger than what I had on my Little Caesar's Hot 'n Ready last night!"
It was in that moment when the nickname of Pepperoni Nipple was born, and a stud of a lineman was branded with the nickname emphasizing his Pizza Hut areola's. Every once in a while that memory gets consciously regurgitated, and it is this story that I will use to introduce the sex topic of the day; odd shaped sex parts.
Thinking about it from a non-sexual perspective, why are guys drawn to breasts? Aren't breasts just lumps of fat hanging from a woman's body? Lumps of fat with a little tip, right? Why am I drawn to those? Why are they so attractive? Am I going to be blown away (figuratively) the night that my wife shows me her lumps of fat with tips?
Or what about the other part of her body that is so appealing, or as Cuba Gooding Jr. once emphatically stated, "The VA-GIN-A" (LTT). What makes me want to see that? An organ of the body that from what I've heard of is just a gaping hole with bits of flesh and possibly teeth. I think I saw that in "Return of the Jedi" when Luke Skywalker was about to get tossed into Jabba the Hutt's sand creature. That's what a vagina looks like, right?
On the flip side, what draws someone to a penis? I mean its really just a one-eyed oversized worm attached to a man's pelvic area. Sometimes I get grossed out by my own dangling dingo. I think the fact that I have to roll mine up. That might be the problem...
As perverted and medical as this all sounds, I propose the reason that we are drawn to these flesh-coated physical features is because of a doctrine that I have believed in since I was first given the two letter rejection of "no";
We always want what we can't have.
Whenever we are told no to something, it makes us want it even more. Whether it's a bag of skittles, a new car, an iPhone, or in this case a set of fat lumps and a gaping sci-fi creature named Sarlacc. We always want what we cannot have. And that decline of receiving those things only makes us want them more.
And so with a tribute to Pepperoni Nipple wherever he is, I will forever stay perplexed by this conundrum, and will constantly be attracted to those lumps of fat and gaping Sarlacc's all around me. I'm a guy, don't hold it against me.