Saturday, May 21, 2011

Sex for Old People

Have you been taken up in the rapture just yet? I haven't. I guess my blog this week alone kept me from being saved. So I sit here in a run-down Greek bar in Ogden (yuck!) with two dear family members; Aunt Soup Widow, and her daughter the Hairy Trojan. Nice blogalias's eh? It's the Soup Widow's work party and rather than get lost in the inside jokes of EMT response calls, I will jump to my digital haven known as blogging.

You would do the same thing if you had to sit with four-eyed curse word with a middle part rambling on about his red-headed step child. It's either listen to him or stare at the name tag of our waitress Chelsey, who has strategically placed her tag directly below her low cut salmon blouse exposing her B-cup bosoms. No thank you, I have given up low-class porn.

Back to the assigned topic. Please don't think I'm a pervert for this post. But then again after all that I've posted this week one would think that I'm bum buddies with Ron Jeremy. This post comes from a disturbing thought that I have wondered about at 3 am; When will be the last time that I have sex? I mean that in regards to how often old people do the dirty? Tell me you haven't wondered that before.

I have two dear friends in Virginia Beach who shall be called the Salem Scarlet Rabbits. An amazing couple who are proud parents and grandparents, and are growing old together. However, these are two of the horniest people I have ever met, and they often professed to me how and when they were getting their freak on.

And they loved it. Every minute of it. For a pair of growing old grandparents, they make love more than Tosh.0 delivers racist jokes on Comedy Central.













Sorry, I was interrupted by Grannie Duke Shindig recounting her 12-minute adventure of visiting the set of "The Vampire Diaries". Cue my nods and smiles while the Hairy Trojan and I listened to her pointless ramblings.

Back to the question at hand. Whenever that day finally happens, and years from now after my kids have moved out and grown up, am I going to be as happy and horny as the Salem Scarlet Rabbits? I desperately hope so. I understand that physically, my wife with her wrinkles and her greying, thinning hair and her brittle bones will not be as physically attractive as she was in the peak of her carnal beauty, but will I still want to be as aggressive as I was the night that we first got in the hot tub? Or will I refrain from doinking because she's just not that flexible anymore?

I have no idea the answer to this question. I really don't. But then again, why on earth should I be wasting time and energy and blogposts about crippled coitus when I can't even find a wife in the first place? Good question.

I remember one night I was talking to my Grandpa about his marriage, and he turned to me and said, "Y'know, I've been married for 50 years, but the woman that I see is not this old, decrepit Great-Grandma. I still see my high school sweetheart." It was then when I understood a fraction of "True L-word."

Maybe that's what it is for old people then. Rather than have sex, do the dirty, play in the mud, jump between the sheets, or doink, maybe old people sex is the epitome and definition of "making L-word".

One day I might make L-word too.


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