Not That There's Anything Wrong With That...

Let me state even before this post comes to fruition one simple fact. I am not gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I will however in this sub-500 word post recount to you what happened in my life last night. Please, don't judge me. We all have moments that we are not proud of. Moments that are embarrassing. Moments when we slap our hands to our foreheads and say, 'What was I thinking?' Yeah, it happens. Life began to get interesting...

Digital Date-Night

This is long overdue. After taking the above picture, the following conversation occurred between the digital date-night duo. Male whose only other date was with someone inflatable: "Serious? Why can't you just knock over that last pig? You suck Angry Bird?!" Female who rivals Meg from Family Guy for least amount of interpersonal cross-gender contact: "215! Dang, I should have sliced that pineapple instead of that bomb to keep my run on Fruit...

Ho-made Pies.

Confused by the title of my blog? I'm not trying to sound dirty, that is the name of the restaurant that I made a pit-stop at this afternoon. And yes, it does exist. * This blog is directly inspired by my dear cousin Megan Jensen, who came up with 53% of this post. I will give her due credit for her humor brilliance. So with that, thank you dear. Ho-made pies. Yes, this is real. Ok, the actual name of this place is the Thunderbird Restaurant,...

Visually Impaired Drive-Thru's

Is it cruel for me to laugh at the above sign posted at the drive-thru of my local McDonalds? Or is it even more cruel for the dipstick managers to have this sign posted peri...

After The Dust Has Settled...

Whew! I had no idea that making a post about my digital malfunction was going to cause such an uproar with all 16 of my followers. I haven't stirred up this much online controversy since I told a Canadian I didn't like hockey. You may think that I would print a retraction. Nope. I'm not like that. I will however, issue a formal apology to those who I may have offended or upset with my last post. I can see the miscommunication that occurred with my posting. For the record, the posting of my awkward text message was not to jab and poke at...

The Most Awkward Break-Up

You want to hear about the most awkward thing since Carl Lewis tried singing the National Anthem? Here's something for you to take a gander at. The break-up between my girlfriend and I last week. For the record, it's a good thing that she has de-followed my blog. She has probably tried to evaporate any scrap of my existence from her life. And I don't blame her for that. To protect her identity, her name will only be Jo. No blogalias's Last week...

A Pisces Horoscope

My buddy Dwayne Bright posted some eerily accurate Daily Horoscope for those who are Pisces. It read: Pisces horoscope for Mar 16 2011 A chapter in your life is closing, Pisces. It wasn't a particularly happy chapter, but you will miss aspects of it nonetheless. That's because there was a certainty to it. A warm and comfortable distress, you might say. It was what you were used to. Now, though, a new chapter is opening up. It's still a mystery...

In the middle of B.F.E.-ville.

Day two of my journey to the center of inbred families and back. I am to the point of losing any micron of sanity out here in B.F.E. In the 17 hours that I've been here, I have experienced the following: * I was turned away from the Holiday Inn Express at 11:30 at night. I was told all of the rooms are full because of a town "rock convention". No lie! * I am currently watching a table of seven people impersonating "The Breakfast Club" with...

Four Characters

Call me half-empty. Call me negative. Call me Brett Schwartz for all I care. Call me what you will. I may be in a bad mood as I sit in the middle of Nowhereville again. (For the record, Nowhereville, is next to Backwardsville, just about 147 miles south.) Anyway, I'm losing my sanity, so to keep from bouncing off the padded walls in a hug-myself jacket, I will just vent a bit about four characters to which I would love to backslap with a trombone....

Before & After Alcohol

The great Homer Simpson once said, "Alcohol; the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." Half of that statement is true. Let me illustrate a scene from my life in the past 36 hours. Following work Monday afternoon, a great friend of mine named Fishmitts, (that is his blogalias for this recounting. And yes, I did just make up the word blogalias. I will most likely use it in future reference to protect the identity of future morons.) Fishmitts...

What I've Done

Thank you Linkin Park for lyrically inspiring the theme of this post. Call me superficial, call me cocky, call me a sweat-stained bastard for all I care, but as I lay here in bed staring at the ceiling recounting the past 26 years of my life, I wonder what I have accomplished, what I have achieved, what I have done in my life. So here's a list of all of the great and mountain-topping glories I have celebrated in my time on this planet. Cue Chester...