Saturday, January 15, 2011

The Tool List

After seven hours of Mountain Dew, steak quesadillas and Divisional Playoff games, three wise sages came up with what is called "The Tool List." Now let me classify what a tool is. To be a tool you must have not a single vapor of respect for anyone surrounding you. You must have a personal compact mirror in which you check yourself every ten seconds. You must have signed a contract with Satan in a pre-existing world. You are a tool. And if you disappear from all existence, not a single tear will be dropped honoring your achievements. You, are a tool.

* Isaiah Thomas
* Martin Lawrence
* Anyone who has been affiliated with the University of Michigan athletic organization; except for Charles Woodsen
* J.R. Smith
* High maintenance dogs
* Anyone except my Uncle that dons the first name Bart
* Mark Sanchez
* The Fox sports animation robot
* Jon Pike
* Rich Rod
* A-Rod
* Anyone who adores the city of Provo
* Moose that stand in the middle of the road up Parley's Canyon
* Hines Ward
* Carlos Boozer
* Nick Saban
* Tim Tebow
* Any actor besides Liam Neeson
* The vegetable Okra
* 17-year old acronym texters (i.e. LOL, ROTFLMAO)
* Shao Khan from Mortal Kombat 2
* Jonah Hill
* The Jonas Brothers
* Anyone who doesn't LOVE "Scott Pilgrim versus the World"
* The creators of the Dodge Caliber
* Anderson Varejao and other flopping foreigners (That includes you, Scola the Goat Raper)
* Anyone who wears a moustache. Except for Tom Selleck and Frank Lojko
* Manny Ramirez
* Athletes who decide to pursue a career in broadcasting following a sub-par sports career
* Unofficial members (You know who you are)
* Nicolas Cage
* And finally, the topper of the list, His Holiness, George Steinbrenner

What do you think?


  1. brock, has to be the funniest thing i have read in the last ten years. favorite has to be vegtable okra. we all know other vegtables taste better and people only eat it say they have.

  2. This list includes just about everyone i despise in life.... and a few extras. well played.