2011

For full effect, download “Like Spinning Plates” by Radiohead and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Wow, those last twelve months went by fast didn’t they? I don’t know what word to use that best fits where all of our lives have been for the last 525,600 minutes. And yes, I may have just referenced “Rent” but don’t worry, I only know that because I had an overbearing sister obsessed with musicals. That’s right Kim,...

What Kind of Uncle Are You?

How’s the holiday season treating you? I hope well. Did everyone out there enjoy the pairs of church socks that Santa gave them? Or what about the 24-hour marathon of “A Christmas Story" on TBS? Don’t tell me everyone didn’t love the awkward family relationships that annually develop with estranged second cousins. That’s what the holidays are all about isn’t it? For full effect, download “Criminal Minds” by Randy Newman, and play at maximum...

Sing Us A Song, You're The Piano Man

It’s much later than 9 o’clock on a Saturday. And I sit on a piano bench while a regular crowd of nobody’s doesn’t shuffle in. This scene would be much more dramatic if I was dressed in an unkempt tuxedo and had a glass of scotch on the piano in front of me. But then again, I’m just a virgin alcoholic, so how would I know what that’s like? I play the same notes over and over again on the tired white piano keys. These notes are ingrained into my mind and into my fingertips. One day I will play these notes for someone else. Whether that’s...

Girls on Board(s)

Can I just make a statement to the blogging community that I am boldly proclaiming as just less than law, and something that I want all of you to recognize and tell others around you about? Chicks who ride snowboards are HOT! There, I got it out in the open. I confess, my one weakness aside from a co-ed in a Buckeyes bikini, is a girl who dons a beefy overcoat, big boots, and a Burton board to her feet and rushes down a snow-covered mountain...

What Should Keith Tronic Do?

It’s the end of the week of ethics, and as this has come to a close I would like to raise one of the most debatable, most discussion worthy ethical dilemmas to ever have crossed any one of our paths Should David Archuleta serve an LDS mission? Wait…sorry about that, Mormon media has been in a frenzy since the second-place idol aired his Lebron-esque “Decision” following the Christmas Fireside. TMZ might as well be having a banquet over that. In...

The Ethics of Snowboarding

This post is inspired by my afternoon of joyous festivities. Yes that’s right kids, I was reveling in my favorite winter pastime. A hobby that one of my best friends turned me on to five years ago. My passion, that is snowboarding. Can I get a witness from the congregation? For full effect, download “Screaming At The Wailing Wall” by Flogging Molly, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. This afternoon Rock Steady...

The Perverted Pot-Lucker

This has been more of a “week of justifiable lies”, hasn’t it? Maybe just a little bit more than it has been a week of ethics. Either way, I still have found the feedback very entertaining and very useful as to what type of standards the people around me have. Today’s post comes from a generic person all the way across the country. Given that the majority of my readers live in Utah, I doubt that none of you will know whom this generic person,...

Alms For The Poor

On to Day four. Are you enjoying your day off? Your “day of rest”? Heck, with the culture that the majority of my readers are immersed in, the activities we engaged in are the complete opposite of “rest”. Am I right? For full effect, download “It’s Five O’clock Somewhere” by Alan Jackson and/or Jimmy Buffet and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Their liquor-laced lyrics will tell you all you need to know. For this...

Let's All Go To The Movies

I know a man who is a movie buff. He L-words them. That’s right, he’s in Lesbian with them. Wallace Wells: “The other L-word” Scott Pilgrim: “Lesbians?” Yes, he’s in Lesbians with movies. Plain and simple. He’s so in Lesbians with movies, that he sees one in theaters on an average of three per week. And that’s why he’s broke. Motion pictures are his addiction. He is a movieaholic. For this post, we’ll give him the blogalias of J.B. Proxy....

The Tall-Tale of Tosh.0

For today’s week of ethics debacle, I take you back to a random time period when another random person faced a semi-controversial confrontation in his life. Please, hold your applause until the end while I introduce the following characters for you. Again, these are both fictional creations acting out fictional situations. None of them are real. Meathead McClure: This young gent has been involved in a relationship for just under a year with...

The Meticulous Moody vs. Jose' Jelephino

Are you ready for some football!?! A Monday Night Party! I think that’s how the song went. I was trying to deliver some kind of melodic motivator as we begin the Week of Ethics. But then again, both that song and that logo has absolutely nothing to do with this blogpost. It’s hard to find a good beat out there that is relevant to ethics. I mean come on now, what kind of musical superstar out there actually has good ethics? Name one, I dare...

The Week of Ethics!

I am Jack’s fabricating oral cavity. For the record, I usually don’t start Week Of __________’s on a Wednesday, but due to the fact that it’s the holiday season, and that I’ve got some bizarre spare time on my hands for the next eight days, I hope to enlighten you with a Week of __________ that I’ve wanted to do for almost six months now. For full effect, download “If Today was Your Last Day” by Nickelback and play at full volume throughout…wait,...

My Achilles Heel

I have finally found the weak link in my chain. Yes, I am a great man. I will admit this, even though I know how humble that statement sounds. I have conquered a lot of things in my meager 26 years thus far on Earth. I can solve a Rubik’s Cube, I can eat four saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, heck, I still own the record for fastest time in completing the two-pound challenge at the Fuddruckers in Virginia Beach. You remember that don’t...

Have You Heard of Advisor Trac?

B.E.P. Longhorn, you can now officially listen to Christmas music on Pandora. Mix it up every once in a while though for me would you please? “Coyotes” by Don Edwards always brings a tear to the Cowboy inside me. By the way, have I told you about Advisor Trac? It’s the most happening thing since sliced bread. It’s the crème de la crème of online high education software programs. It’s the Chuck Norris of 1’s and 0’s and html coding. It’s...

My Passion

I saw this picture on Reddit yesterday, and honestly had one of those twitterpated overbearing throng of emotions engulf me for ninety seconds. This is the passion in my life. This, is my eternal compani...

Wuv. Twue Wuv.

I feel like a failure not having posted in a week. It has been a helter-skelter seven days with my attention focused on "big-kid" things. Plus, I also wanted all of you to know how much I respect hate Michigan. I had a conversation with Rock Steady yesterday about his attempts at dating a specimen of the opposite sex. This potential mate works for a local barbershop and cuts his hair on a regular basis. Amidst his monthly grooming, he has lassoed...

Chicks Dig Vampires

I think I need to turn into a vampire to become more popular. Do you know where I’m coming from? Have you not seen the pathetic obsession with "Breaking Dawn" that has mothers and daughters tossing their panties at the giant silver screen premiering? What is it about the whole Twilight series, or vampires in general that makes every single creature with estrogen obsessed with? I have no clue. Is it the pointed teeth? Is it being alive for...

The Last Step

In the room next to me a woman is dying. Yeah, that’s a depressing way to start a post, but the shock value alone triggered you to keep reading into this next sentence. Your disapproval and agitation with the shock value will keep you reading this current sentence. Followed by the fact that your envelope has been pushed to the point that you are willing to read this entire post to gauge my own personal feelings about life in general. Don’t...

Dear Rhinestone Cowboy...

Dear Rhinestone Cowboy, This post is for you. We have come along way in the years that we’ve known each other. There was the awkward small group communication class that we wasted away our lives in listening to the old geezer Shamo. There were the countless intramural beatdowns I received by the loathed Team Texas. And of course, there was the highlight of my life (along with leaving Roy) the day that you and I were introduced to Miss Piggy,...

The Good Times of Guy Council

There are a large number of traditions that have created a conglomeration of memories for me to reflect upon and remember all of the good times that I had. Looking back on this my life, there has been a hoard of things I think I have thoroughly enjoyed. Amidst all the great traditions and events that have defined my life, I would say that one of the greatest things I have ever enjoyed in my life, is the tradition of Guy Council. 

 Never heard...

I Am Not A Cowboy

I have an old buddy named Chet who is through and through a cowboy. The guy epitomizes what being a country boy is. For instance, he had a steel roping dummy named Clark that we tried to rope in our parking lot. I tried to lasso his metallic hind legs, but God didn’t grace me with those kinds of skills. Chet lived a lifestyle that is completely foreign to me, one he called being a “country cowboy.” I don’t understand country culture one bit. It...

I Need This Shirt

If you know who I am, and you know how I sweat, then you know that I need this for my wardrobe. I will be accepting this as a donated Christmas prese...

I Am Terminally Ill

It’s the last stop on this long, long Week of __________ and for some reason I don’t even know what day it is. For full effect, download “Mama I’m Comin’ Home” by Ozzy Osbourne from iTunes and play and maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Honestly, I have lost track of almost everything at this point in my life. It’s all just a blur to me now. So please excuse me if I have forgotten your name, where you’re from, or who you even...

Everyone Has A Nose Ring

For full effect, download “Sunday Morning” by Maroon 5 from iTunes and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. At least I think that it’s Sunday morning. This entire trip has morphed the continuously running clock/calendar that is supposed to be on track in my head into a giant blob. Add Daylight Savings Time into the equation, and I don’t even know where I am. Somewhere my body is floating through the space/time continuum....

The Suicide That Is Seattle

For full effect, download "Heart-Shaped Box" by Nirvana and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. 0.01% of the American population will at some point in their lives attempt or commit suicide. Substantially larger, 10% of anyone who is diagnosed with schizophrenia is statistically prone to swallow the pills or pull the trigger as well. Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm a scizophrenic, And so am I. Seattle is the most...

I think...Day 4?

The days are slowly morphing into one giant blob by this point. It's a little after 5:30 a.m. and I am seated in the terminal waiting my flight to Seattle. There's no reason why I should be awake at this curse word hour. My job is personifying the phrase "Red Eye" at this very moment. Hey, if I'm lucky maybe I'll be seated next to Rachel McAdams. (LTT) For full effect, download "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley and play at maximum volume throughout the...

Day 3

I'm up in Twin Falls, ID currently. For those of you who aren't familiar with the geography of Idaho (then again what normal person actually is?) it is about two hours southeast of Boise. And believe me, trying to get here last night on only 5 hours sleep at 11:00 at night was not my best decision. It's just another example of how Mt. Dew has saved my life. That sperm-reducing yellow liquid seems to be my lifetime companion. Currently I am seated...