Monday, December 12, 2011

My Achilles Heel

I have finally found the weak link in my chain.

Yes, I am a great man. I will admit this, even though I know how humble that statement sounds. I have conquered a lot of things in my meager 26 years thus far on Earth. I can solve a Rubik’s Cube, I can eat four saltine crackers in under 60 seconds, heck, I still own the record for fastest time in completing the two-pound challenge at the Fuddruckers in Virginia Beach. You remember that don’t you Brother Campion?

I really am amazing. I know, please don’t flatter me. This morning, the wise Keith Tronic made me realize what the figurative Achilles heel is in my life.

Popular 90’s Music.

There, I said it. I have admitted defeat. For full effect, download any song from R.E.M., Collective Soul, The Wallflowers, or Soul Asylum and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Don’t know who any of those bands are? Don’t feel bad. Neither do I.

Not that it matters or anything does it? Popular 90’s Music to me is that 3rd cousin twice removed that you awkwardly make conversation with about the weather at even-yeared family reunions. 90’s music is that one kid back in high school who used to do that one thing at that one place, with all of those other generic things that you can’t quite put your finger on. 90’s music is the epitome of vague, lifeless, fuzzy memories that we just can’t fully grasp.

Maybe it was my upbringing that mentally scarred my audible erogenous zones. Keep in mind I lived in a house stockpiled in female hormones and religious extreme’s, therefore the main chords that would carousel the airwaves of our home was either New Kids on the Block or Amy Grant. Throw in a little Jon Secada every once in a while, and you have yourself a downright recipe for an acoustic atomic bomb.

Hear me out on this (pun intended). Let me toss out a few of the more popular artists from this confusing decade, and tell me if you know more than one song of theirs. The Proclaimers, Blackstreet, Hanson, EMF, Soundgarden, Spin Doctors, Live, Marcy’s Playground, Right Said Fred, Cypress Hill, Sinead O’Connor, Toad the Wet Sprocket, Stone Temple Pilots, Depeche Mode, Deep Blue Something, Haddaway? Any of these ring a bell? Don’t lie to me, or yourself. And get off Wikipedia trying to prove me wrong.

What ever happened to all of these one hit wonders?

Tom Everett: “It’s pronounced, One-ders.”

Sean Whalen: “Yeah, that’s what I said, Oneeders.” (LTT)

The thing is, Keith Tronic loves this music. He even challenges me to “Name-this-one-hit-90’s-band-on-Pandora-or-else-you-owe-me-lunch” games, which I fail at miserably. I can’t name a song by Lisa Loeb and the Nine Stories, or New Radicals by any means. Come on man, you’re killing me! And yes Malibu Cleaners IS on Bluff Street you coward!

90’s Music will forever be the last straw on my metaphorical camel’s back. It is the David to my Goliath. It is the... hmm…I can’t really think of yet another profound analogy. It is my “Black Hole Sun”. It is continually “Building a Mystery” in my head. It is slowly “Killing me softly.”

Me and my “Semi-Charmed Life”.

What do you think?


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