Saturday, November 26, 2011

Chicks Dig Vampires

I think I need to turn into a vampire to become more popular.

Do you know where I’m coming from? Have you not seen the pathetic obsession with "Breaking Dawn" that has mothers and daughters tossing their panties at the giant silver screen premiering?

What is it about the whole Twilight series, or vampires in general that makes every single creature with estrogen obsessed with? I have no clue. Is it the pointed teeth? Is it being alive for a few hundred years? Is it not having a reflection in any mirror and having a massive allergy to garlic overall? What makes women these days want a boyfriend from Transylvania?

Girls always say that the transparent glitter creature named Edward is this handsome, dreamy freak of nature that make them want to melt into his arms. I kind of see what girls mean about how vampires may be romantic, but you have to agree with me, after getting involved with one and dealing with their physical love aspects, vampires have to give one monstrously violent hickey.

Vampires are one type of fictional character that causes women’s heart to skip a few beats, but what is it about this Edward dude from “Breaking Dawn” that in essence makes all women want to break up with their current boyfriends/fiance’s/husbands?

They brag about how he's protective, strong, how he would do anything for the girl that he's with, but is he really that suave of an individual that elevates him so high in female’s eyes? Or is it the fact that he can only be awake and seen after the sun has gone down that makes women want him even more? I tried to get a better understanding of Edward/vampires in general so that I could get a few hints and suggestions as to how to become a more appealing guy.

In “Interview with a Vampire” rather than kill people and become a threat to those around him, Brad Pitt suggested he suck the blood of rats and mice to survive. I don’t know if women would appreciate my new cologne being created by rodents frolicking from the sewer, but hey, he’s a vampire. Chicks dig it right?

Or what about in “Van Helsing”? The main Count Vladislaus Dracula in the film has a trio of female vampires that he treats like garbage and then makes it up to them later on by going to bed with them. And by going to bed, I mean transforming the group of them into a stone statue.
I don’t get it! I really don’t understand it one bit at all. I wish that I could for some reason grasp the concept of what makes girls all across the country want to exchange the man in their current relationship for some pointed teeth monster whose hates anything religiously related including crucifixes and holy water? Why would girls rather cuddle up next to the undead in a coffin than to anyone else whose heart actually beats normally?

Speaking of the physical nature of vampires, I gauged from the previews of "Breaking Dawn" that the chick in it is supposed to be having Edward's baby. Someone please explain this to me. If a vampire is incapable of having blood in their system, thus making them immortal, how in the world are they supposed to create a child? I'm almost positive that blood is crucial in the erecting of an offspring.


There must be something about the fangs, or the odd-shaped eyes, or even the werewolf with a tattoo who needs to pull off his shirt every ten minutes on screen that gets chicks all hot and bothered about this obsession. Maybe the reason that I'm still single is because I haven't found someone that can give me that massively noticeable hickey.

What do you think?

1 comment:

  1. no, it's cus YOU cant give the massively violent hickey, but seriously i prefer the vampire killing badass female stories more than the glittery type, and anyone who ever enjoyed real vampire books thinks stephanie meyer wrote about pansies who would be dead in a couple years as a vampire anyway.