Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Week of ________ Day 2


What? Sorry, I was just waking up from a quick power nap in the middle of the hotel's lobby. Let me wipe up the pool of drool on the green-checkered cloth pillow next to me. The valet across the hall is giving me a dirty look for my slumber. I will say that it has been a long day already. And yes, I do believe in the concept of power naps. They have gotten me through many long drawn out days in the past. It's amazing what 15 minutes of R.E.M. sleep will do for you.

For full effect, download "First Of The Month" by Bone Thugz N Harmony and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. That seems to fit the best for obvious reasons. And because the opening line is "Wake up, wake up..." which is exactly what I'm doing right now.

The picture above represents the cloth that I was donning as I got out of the shower last night. The hotel that I'm staying at is one of those prestigious fancy-pantsy places. I thought, 'what the heck, how many times do I get to wear a bathrobe in my life anyway?'.

This is a pretty high class hotel I must say. I would be surprised if high-roller douchebag Mike walks around the corner any minute now. I mean, it has everything. Fancy mints on the pillow, a barrage of the latest select porn flicks for only $6.99 a view, heck, this place even has order in breakfast which I abused to the fullest. I think at least one time in their lives, everyone needs to have room service. It makes you feel elite.

The reason that I'm up here is for academic college recruiting fairs, trying to get students to come to my Alma Mater to get a degree. I've said it before, I'm a traveling salesman. But at least I believe in the product that I'm marketing. One of the other recruiters put it best when he said that we're almost like creatures at a zoo, with the crowds going by and wondering what we have to offer.

High school admissions counselor: "And on the left kids, we have the University of Alaska-Anchorage with many bachelor degrees and a ferocious sports program."

Cue high school kids oohing and aahing.

High school admissions counselor: "And up here on the right, we have the Dixie State College representative. Careful though, he's a pretentious bastard."

Yep, that's all I am to these kids, just a talking display box that says what my school has for them to experience and enjoy. I may be a little bit ferocious at times, but if you just scratch behind my right ear and give me a handful of salted cashews, I'll play nice. And I'll tell you what my school has for your benefit. I am a traveling zoo patron who makes a living out of the presentation that I put on for adolescents all across the country.

After five hours of repetitive questions, handing out of brochures, and a few awkward gawking glances from odd-looking students, I pack up my bags and head to the lobby.

College Fair Organizer: "For all of the college reps, we have provided a light dessert in the foyer."

What? A dessert? You're feeding us animals now? This is great! After your excuse for a tomato veggie lettuce wrap I was handed with a bottle of luke-warm tap water at lunch, I'll take anything.

College Fair Organizer: "Please indulge in our delightful ice cream potatoes."

Cue perplexed/confused/WTF look by Swamp Thing the Zoo creature. A dessert potato? I know I'm in Idaho and that is your state vegetable/flower/animal/song. Heck, I'm sure Miss Potato Head is your annual candidate for the Miss America pageant and everything, but a desert potato? Where the heck have I traveled to?
After one glance at the above picture, I dropped my refreshment in the trash and collapsed on the 1% couch in the lobby. Fade to black as my eyelids seem to gain weight with each blink. In a few hours I'll be put back on display for crowds and people of all ages to stare at and ask questions to. Followed by a 2 1/2 hour drive to Twin Falls

With my luck they'll probably have dessert potatoes there too.

Location: In an academic zoo

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