Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Week of __________

I don't know what to specifically call this Week of __________. Too many descriptive nouns and adjectives ran through my head. Heck, due to the picture above, It could be the Week of Putzes. But then again, I need to work on being more positive don't I? Whatever you want to call it, the upcoming Week of __________ will be following my recruiting trip to the Pacific Northwest. Hope it keeps you entertained.

For full effect, download "Comfortably Numb" by Pink Floyd and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. That seems like the theme song for the day, even if I have used it in past posts. I was going to pick something like "Leavin' on a Jet Plane" By John Denver, but that just sounds too cliche'.

Let me back track an hour. Wait, hold on a second, let me recognize the greatness of our technology for a quick paragraph. Currently I am 29,460 feet up in the air transcribing my thoughts to all of you via my mi-fi connection. I am communicating my sarcastic subconscious and witty words from a floating metal box in the sky hundreds of miles away from you. I am beaming my updated blog status to a fart bleeping satellite in the sky and then sending it to you so that you can stay mildly pleased for 180 seconds.

Our world is a freakshow, I must say.

Back to the Putz. The fella in the picture is donning the classic douchebag high-roller businessman pinstriped suit with a haircut from his own private salon. He has a fancy leather briefcase and fancy leather gloves, and a fancy looking scarf to go with it. Who in their right mind wears scarves these days anyway? His state of the art iPhone 4S starts to ring.

High-roller douchebag: "This is Mike."

Yes there's a reason high-roller douchebag Mike that I give you that blogalias. Anyone who answers the phone second-person deserves a swift kick to their shrunken dangling participles. Amidst this imitation of a businessman's entire facade, he gives his tomfoolery away by leaning over to his muffin top co-worker and shows how he just bested his score on Angry Birds.

Wait, WTF? High roller douchebag Mike, you;re out on a business trip getting ready to do a high-profile power point presentation about the revenue gained last quarter by your integrated software upgrade in the Western region and you want to talk about your high score on Angry Birds to your co-worker? For crying out loud, you are one of the prime examples that our country is getting dumber by the minute. I'm a Communication major and could impersonate a better douchebag businessman than you're doing right now. Heck, I've already got the douchebag part down pat.

Back to 29,460 feet. The stewardess is walking down the aisle handing out cups of ice with a spitwad of liquid wrapped around them. The delightful botoxian airness named Cheryl smiles and hands me a ginger ale. Don't ask me why I always get that drink on flights. Maybe because ginger ale makes me feel a little more prestigious, almost like I'm an Englishman with a snooty nose and the heir to the Grey Poupon fortune.

Cheryl the Stewardess: "Can I get you something to drink sir?"

Swamp Thing: "Why yes, I'll have a ginger ale."

Cheryl the Stewardess: "Certainly sir, please take one of our complimentary hot towels for your face as well."

That sounds accurate doesn't it? Prestigious snoots who are heirs to mounds of mustard money get offered hot face towels all the time don't they?

The plane is beginning its descent meanwhile two puberty poppers behind me are arguably agreeing that Boise State is the best football team ever made, no question. Oh, you sheltered bandwagon jumpers. Shaking my head, I look up a few rows at high-roller douchebag Mike who is slouching in his chair like a spoiled six-year old clutching his iPhone and tapping the screen ever so slightly to get just the right velocity on his pissed off cardinal to knock over the elevated pigs. He raises his hang in the air in victory and proclaims to the rest of the plane his triumph.

High-roller douchebag Mike: "O'Doyle Rules!" (LTT)

This will most certainly be a long trip.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location: Up in the ****ing air!

What do you think?


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