Testimony Meeting

I am a nerd. For those who actually follow this mix-up of jargon know that. However, there are some much more interesting people in this world. Where do you find them? Oh that's simple. At a fast and testimony meeting.Now if you've known me longer than ten minutes, you understand my disappreciation for the Utah Mormon culture. This disgust only increases as I sit through a ho-hum nutcase venting session in church every first Sunday of the month.For some reason nut jobs think that standing at a podium to bear their testimony means that they will...

Win cash for solving blog...

This is a particularly unusual blog. What is so unusual about it? That is up to you to find out. I am not going to say what it is. But, as you look at this particular blog, I want you to focus on what could possibly vary from my usual words of humor, for a distinct variation is obvious. And who knows, you could crack this conundrum and obtain a cash award for your brain’s labor. Carry on studying this, a solution will occur. You may ask what I was thinking to construct a thing such as this. It was born following long hours of staring at a blank...

Hump Day...

Hump day. That’s what one of my friends called Wednesdays. Hump Days. I had never heard the term before, so I was a bit confused. Does today feel like a hump day to you? I’m not so sure. And so I started thinking about all of this. Actually, this blog was inspired by a “Seinfeld” episode where Jerry, Kramer and Newman are sitting in a car discussing how different days of the week have a feel. I think the most depressing of all days has got to be...

My Tattoo...

So I’ve been thinking about why I don’t have a tattoo. To me, tattoo’s are absolutely fascinating depictions of art that are displayed on the human body. It is estimated that 36% of people aged 18-29 have at least one tattoo on their bodies. So why am I not a part of that 36%?Here are a few reasons. Also known as tattoos that I will never get. First. I will never get a Japanese Kanji tattoo. Why do guys get them in the first place? Am I more...

Buying New Glasses an Ordeal

Would you like to know about one of the most agonizing procedures ever known to man? Something about as frustrating as trying to chew on a piece of cotton candy? Something as irritating as a 2-year old nephew the day after Halloween? Well, I’ll tell you: Trying to pick out a new pair of glasses. 

Oh, the pain that ensues is worse than getting your armpit hair waxed by a group of savage females. I don’t think I would wish this curse upon anyone....

I am a sinner

We are all bad people. All of us. Especially me. I say this because we all have a knack for doing bad things. Taking candy from a baby, taking second glances at the porn carpet in Vegas, or cheering on the University of Michigan football team. Yes, we have all done bad things. And none of us are proud of our closet skeletons. I, do bad things on an almost continual basis. A non-stopping occurrence. Things that happen over and over again,...

The (Almost) Perfect Season

One of the biggest failures in organized sports history has just occurred. And I am furious about it!Over the past few weeks, I have been playing in a very intense softball league on the fields of St. George. And oh has it been an amazing season. Almost. The Naked Gadgets, as our team has been called, was going to go down in history as one of the most recognized, legendary, and illustrious squads to ever take the field. As Ned Nedrlander, one...

I am an Indentured Servant

Why we pay attention to the depressing and disputing decades of generations past is something that I have no interest in whatsoever. And as a sophomore student, I would sit in a dull and dreary History class Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings from 8:00-8:50 every week of my spring semester, I couldn’t help but lose track of my thoughts that were supposed to be directed in the path of the American Revolution, or the War of 1812. As I stared at...

Lie to Me: Part II

So I lie. A lot. Is that a problem?As seen from my last blog, ya’ll have been a witness to my adventures in deception and dishonesty. But it continues, at a consistent rate that I didn’t even know existed until the fabrications are spinning faster out of my mouth than Usain Bolt in a 100-meter dash. Why do I lie? I really don’t know. I don’t have issues really. Well, besides the fact that I am a secret-schizophrenic (even that is a lie!)....

Lie to Me

Is lying to someone necessarily a bad thing?In certain situations, I wouldn’t think so. We have all lied before. Every one of us. Those who say that they have never lied before are no doubt lying through their teeth proclaiming that. Lying is an art. Women do it about their weight, senior citizens about their age, jerk’s do about their bench press max, heck, I lie about the masculine scar on my chin that I got from my wild days as an extra in...

Those were the days...

I have come to a conclusion about my life thus far. I’m getting old. Really, really old. Now for those of you who have been on the earth longer than three decades, you are probably scoffing at me being aged. But hear me out; I am serious. Being a whopping 25 years old, I am starting to get up there in the wrinkling ages. 

The other night I was sitting around with my little sister/next door neighbors kicking back, flipping through the channels, enjoying...

The M-word

I am a pretty easygoing guy, I think. Usually anyone can talk to me just about anything, even something borderline offensive, and I can just brush it off with no problem. But I swear, if one more person in this world asks me about the M-word, I will explode. 

The M-word is something that you will rarely hear me mention on a positive note. For those who have listened to my casual rants about life, and this culture specifically, have most likely...

Thanks, Dad...

So what is the secret to being a good father?Don't ask me, I can't even find a wife yet.As the sun sets on yet another June holiday filled with cheap ties, new drills, and breakfast In bed, all of us seemed to have taken a few moments and remembered the Dad's in our lives. The ones who would play catch in the backyard with us, teach us how to ride bikes, tell us stories late at night while tucking us in, and everything else cliche' about what defines...

Jogging is Satan's Form of Exercise

I know that over the years I have written a few columns regarding the many things in my life that annoy or perturb me, i.e. cinnamon bears, bottled water, the state of North Dakota. I have also written an equal number of columns about things that absolute confuse and perplex me, i.e. math, female communication, late-night chat rooms. 

However, if there is one thing that without a doubt, hands down, no questions asked, bothers and confuses me almost...

The one-uppers

Every single one of us has a one-up man in our lives. A topper. An I’m-better-than-you-are-and-I’m-going-to-rub-it-in-your-face individual. They exist consistently and will never go away. Don’t know what a one-up man is? Exhibit A:Me: I had a late night last night. Heck, I didn’t even get to bed until 2 in the morning. I just couldn’t sleep. One-up Man: Oh yeah, well I had a late night too, and I didn’t even get to bed until 3 in the morning!...

Big Words just for show-offs

There are many things about growing up that I am not looking forward to. Along with taxes, mortgages, root canals and C-sections, adulthood appears to be a pain in the neck. One of the main things that I am a tad bit nervous about also, is the use of big words. Yes, you read that correctly. Big words, or in adult terms, copious vocabulary, is something that confuses me beyond all belief. Apparently once you cross the border of adolescent juvenility...

What makes a man?

What makes a man?Good question eh? Why don’t you ask Wikipedia?There are far too many categories of manhood that help classify someone as a smorgasbord of toughness. This being said, a man is not just someone that has the words testosterone, but not estrogen, in their vocabulary as well as in their bodies. Growing up I was told that there are three different types of “Men.” Man A: a man who understands absolutely everything about the components...

The joys of being a kid are fading...

After having a full-time four years of college under my belt, I somewhat have an edge of confidence about me, for the “grown-up” that I am turning into. I am turning into an adult. I am letting go of that little kid mentality that I had played in my hand since Day One. But do I really want to do this? Getting older is just another step in life, and as of late, I am not so excited to walk down this aging path. Turning 25...

Golf?

Wait, golf? What was I thinking?I wasn’tAlmost all of you have heard my rants on things that I just do not understand whatsoever. Water bottles, Guys in pink shirts, Spongebob Squarepants, you know the gist. Golf however, can be added to my anti-activity list of things that I will never grasp or appreciate. And those feelings were only confirmed yesterday when I made multiple attempts to hit a small white dimpled thing into a hole 4.25 inches...

WoW, Where has the Time Gone?

So I used to have an interesting roommate. This was a kid who was captain of the geek squad. No exaggeration; he had failed to leave his room longer than five minutes. Since the day he moved in he had worn the same ragged red T-shirt and olive green khaki shorts. To my knowledge, the guy lived off caffeinated soda and chicken fingers. As I passed his room every day I would poke my head in to see what kept him glued to his computer screen. I don’t even think he noticed that I dropped in, he was so captivated by the game he played. 
After a few days...

Awkward...

Awkward. That is the best singular word I can use to describe the 57-minute flight I just walked off of. It is almost that airlines in today’s society are designing trips for passengers under that fashion only. Awkward. Nothing but. Airlines initiate your trip in that manner from the very beginning as you are removing your belt, shoes, watch, earrings, glasses, necklaces, fillings, pacemakers and metal plates from the left side of your head before you pass through the doorway of death and its annoying beep, pointing you out to the rest of...

Nice Guys Finish Last

That is it! I have had it! I am at the end of my rope! In the words of the legendary gothic Alice Cooper, “No More Mr. Nice Guy!”

Now I am no Dr. Love as we have had in semesters past, and I normally don’t spend 7-inch high columns discussing the affairs of the heart, but I definitely have some beef to throw down this week. 

One of the most confusing, gargantuan enigmas that is baffling my brain this week is the fact that in this day and age, to romance the heart of a girl, I have to be the most inconsiderate, thoughtless, selfish jerk ever created....

Valentine's Day a Waste of Time

I think that this upcoming Sunday has got to be one of the most depressing days in the history of the world. I'm referring to the day we're all experiencing at the moment, Valentine’s Day, also known by the much more appropriate name, Singles’ Awareness Day. See, the problem with SAD, ironic that the acronym is sad, is that if you don't have someone to love on this day overly bombarded by Necco conversation hearts and red and pink cardboard cutouts of Cupid, you feel like the No. 1 biggest loser ever created. You walk around seeing all the delivered...

Being a man a wonderful lifestyle

As most of you know, I grew up in a very unique household surrounded by women. I say that meaning that I had 11 sisters, sisters who were very girly, very feminine, very estrogenian. However, I stood my ground and maintained my masculine side. (Once every 7 years.) And I have a few things to say about how I love, being a man. I love not worrying about whether my toilet seat is up or down. I love getting excited about watching things blow up. I love reciting the storyline of the 2004 NBA finals. I love not worrying about if my pants match my shoes....

The Evils of Mathematics

I have had some pretty difficult and sometimes dysfunctional relationships in my life, a few of which have left a sour taste in my mouth and painful memories to bitterly recall. I think if I were to gauge it, probably the most complicated and nasty relationship I have ever been in is the one I went through off and on for four semesters. Enter my significant other, Math 1050. Math and I have never gotten along. Ever. I think it was back when I was a toddler, learning what numbers were for the first time, that my mind checked out of anything numerically...