Friday, June 18, 2010

Jogging is Satan's Form of Exercise

I know that over the years I have written a few columns regarding the many things in my life that annoy or perturb me, i.e. cinnamon bears, bottled water, the state of North Dakota. I have also written an equal number of columns about things that absolute confuse and perplex me, i.e. math, female communication, late-night chat rooms. 

However, if there is one thing that without a doubt, hands down, no questions asked, bothers and confuses me almost as much as country music being played while I’m taking a geometry quiz about the dimensions of a Rubik’s Cube, I would easily say it is the disgusting concept of jogging. 

Oh, just saying that word makes me as sick to my stomach and wanting to vomit in multiple directions as if I had heard the slightest compliment about the University of Michigan. People who in their right mind, or rather demonically possessed lunatic mind, think running is beneficial in any way shape or form are individuals who are completely from another planet or have about as much common sense as a house plant.

I am sure if you were to look up the definition in the dictionary it would say, “jogging: an absolute and complete 100 percent waste of time for individuals who have no more than 50 working brain cells stuck in their dense head and are trying to be some type of athlete,” with a picture of someone with the most horrific gut-wrenching face to give an illustration of what a runner really looks like.

Runners in general are individuals who are about as out there and goofy as Carrot Top or the creator of "Spongebob Squarepants." Why would someone think getting up at 4 a.m., in the dead of winter, at 50 degrees below, would burn off a few extra calories? Or to think that doing wind sprints in the muggy heat of August, in triple digit temperatures, with humidity coating their skin just to get an extra workout in is going to help them at all? 

It won't! Trust me, I know! I'm still fat!

Now running around town to look at scenery is one thing. But the concept of the treadmill is something twice as stupid. To just stand in place for blocks of time, running, yet not moving whatsoever, makes no sense. How boring is that?! Almost as fun as watching an episode of Gray's Anatomy. Honestly, who gets enjoyment out of running on a treadmill? I do hope that my uncle, the inventor of the treadmill, doesn’t get a hold of this blog or I’m in some serious trouble. 

Now while you’re running, the pain and agony only increases with every single step. Dry throat, sore muscles, sweat in the eyes, is there anything a runner can enjoy during the process? They say they hit some type of wall, and they only can get in better shape by bursting through that wall. How is that appealing? It makes no sense!

And how does that sound fun?

 It doesn't!

To this day I have yet to find anything good or first-rate about the concept of running. Call me a discriminator, but running just doesn’t perform any benefit besides a good solid case of shin splints. 

What do you think?


  1. Oh friend! I used to think like this too. I love running because it's a challenge and I love how I feel afterward. One day you could like it too. We'll have to chat one of these times I come to SG about how running changed my life.