Saturday, April 2, 2011

B is for Baseball

This post is inspired by the ridiculous slew of Facebook posts on Thursday in euphoric revelry that America's Greatest Pastime was officially back for another season. And no I'm not talking about Golden Corral buffets. I'm referring to Major League Baseball. Please don't stop reading if you're already bored.

Baseball is the most mundane sport out there. Compared with the other four major sports in our country, baseball has the second least amount of actual action per game. By action, I mean actual movement of the ball over the course of the time that the entire contest is played.

Sport-Time ball is in play/% of time per time in each game

Major League Soccer-90 minutes/100%
National Hockey League-60 Minutes/100%
National Basketball Association-48 minutes/100%
Major League Baseball-14 minutes/7%
National Football League-11 minutes/18%

With this being said, combined with inspiration from a Rick Reilly article I read over a decade ago, I decided to sit down this morning and force myself to watch an entire Major League Baseball game on television. The third-rate WGN network was broadcasting a Chicago White Sox-Cleveland Indians contest. I lucked out, the Indians are technically "my team" if I am ever giving more than two seconds of interest to baseball. Here's what happened in my life in what I will stereotype as the "borefest."

Shots of Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen-52
Shots of Guillen scratching some part of his body-18
Shots of Guillen picking his nose, scraping out a massive booger, then debating on whether he should flick it or keep it-2
Shots of no-name Cleveland Indians manager Manny Acta-8
Number of times I witnessed spit discharged from a player, coach, or manager's mouth, whether tobacco residue or sunflower shells, I did not take into consideration-81
Number of times I witnessed a gorgeously attractive Indians fan discharge spit, which instantly lowered her hotness value-1
Number of crotch adjustments by a player, coach, or manager-18
Number of times WGN Broadcasters referenced Cleveland Indians star Grady Sizemore, who has not played a game since May 16, 2010!-11
Number of practice swings taken by players before and during an at-bat-81
Exact time of game-2 hours, 46 minutes
Exact time I wasted away down the drain and will sadly never get back again-2 hours, 46 minutes
Games played by both Chicago and Cleveland thus far in the season-2
Games left for both Chicago and Cleveland-160

Wait, wait, you're telling me, that you have 160 more games left on the season? You have got to be kidding me! Why does this sport matter? This has to be the only sport in the history of mankind's existence where you can go on a 15-game losing streak and still have potential to make the playoffs! You can lose up to 80 games and still take it as a positive season! This means that if you are a die-hard baseball fan, you have to witness another 12,960 practice swings, 6,400 spit discharges, 1,600 crotch adjustments, 320 mental booger debates, and only 29 hours of ACTUAL action? Well here's a stat for you:

Number of Indians fans present at Progressive Field-9,853
Number of Indians fans who will never watch MLB on television ever again-1

What do you think?

5 comments:

  1. Hmmm well this is quite insightful in way of stats and in the way of that we can tell you don't like baseball. I have to disagree with you 100% because I happen to love baseball.

    Today actually I spent the day at Disch Falk Field in Austin, TX watching the University of Texas Longhorns beat the Missouri Tigers 5-2 to go 2 of 2 for the series so far which concludes tomorrow. The longhorns are 20-7 on the year so far.

    I guess I can understand where you are coming from but there is something about the baseball field and the feeling of the game that I love :)

    Teresa
    http://icecoldpenguin.blogspot.com

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  2. I understand where you are coming from, baseball has it's dull moments. Though to be honest, I actually enjoy baseball. I think it's because it's one of the easiest sports to follow and understand.

    I must disagree about it being the most mundane sport though. That title is reserved by the game of golf. Just sayin'...

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  3. I'm always surprised when baseball season starts because as far as I can tell it never ends.

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  4. You're right Teresa, in person baseball is one of the most entertaining sports out there.

    TS Hendrik, I'm glad you and I are both thinking along the same lines.

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  5. I think I'm going to share this post with my husband. He NEEDS to read this. ;)

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