Monday, April 18, 2011

O is for Ogden

Correct me if I'm wrong, but do those five letters make up the ugliest city name in the history of mankind? Ogden is as hideous as Albuquerque, NM, or Cheektowaga, NY. Just saying that two-syllable conundrum makes it sound like you are clearing your throat of a week-long regurgitation of phlegm and encrusted boogers. And yes, I did just write that.

When I lived in Virginia Beach I used to lie to people and tell them that I was from St. George, I was so ashamed of Ogden. I never wanted to admit that I could lay claim to the pile of rubbish, population who knows how many bile-infested creatures. Ogden to me is what Tooele is for Jared Burton.

Ogden is organized dirt. It is a city that makes you nauseous just by smelling the air that hovers over it. It is a utopia for Oscar the Grouch. A place that would make Bear Gryls sick to his stomach. The place that I grew up in is a small suburb of Ogden. It's a three letter word that I will not say. Harry Potter would gladly repeat the name Voldemort, than say the three-letter town that I forcefully have to claim heritage to.

Why such animosity to these two dots on the map of Weber County you may ask? (Just saying Weber County makes me want to jump into a pool of bleach and alcohol.) I don't know. Too many mold-filled memories from my teenage years growing up in "the hood" of Utah. The fact that I was the only sober Senior on my High School football team is a good place to start. I'm just not proud to say that I am from Ogden.

Yes this post may be a little too negative. And I may be thrust down to Hell for my vile vocabulary about this nasty neck of the woods. But hey, I'd rather claim Hell than I would Ogden.

What do you think?


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