Wednesday, April 6, 2011

E is for Estrogen

Something that I am eternally grateful for are the women that have performed on the stage in my life. All 11 of them. 10 sisters, one mother, and a feminine father who was taking estrogen shots behind the curtains. I think they taught me well in the years that we were together. One rule of thumb that they worked hard to instill upon me is this simple doctrine; the girl is always right.

It does not matter what a guy says, does, or appears, he will never be the correct individual in any situation. Case and point.

Today while at Cafe Rio, I was sitting down to have a nice luncheon with my proxy parent when out of the blue an overly social grandmother came to sit down and have a festival of frolicking at our feast. For the record, this creature's blogalias shall be Pitless Crazy Eyes. After a few moments of small talk, the following conversation occurred verbatim:

Crazy eyes: Would you like me to get you some cinnamints from the cashier?

Me: No, that's ok, I really don't like those kinds of mints. Thank you though.

Crazy eyes: (Horrified) You don't? Well, that's kind of rude of you to decline an attempted gift?!

Me: Wait, did I say no? What I meant was Yes! I would love a handful of those delicious mints. That would be wonderful.

Crazy eyes: See now I know that you're lying. That's terrible. You should never lie to anyone!

Had I not been raised properly, this was where I would have paused mid-thought and be caught in a perplexed impasse. But thankfully, I was not stunned at the volcanic outburst from Crazy Eyes. I would have challenged her snide rebuttal to my kind decline and/or dishonest acceptance. But I didn't, instead I turned and said the following lines to appease her testicular cravings.

Me: You know what, you are right. I should not have lied, and I should have accepted the mints as a kind gesture in the first place. I am wrong. You are right. Can I get you a Symphony bar to go along with the large Diet Coke that I am about to refill?

Flabbergasted, Pitless Crazy Eyes stared right back at me. And with a smug, yet satisfied look on her face felt at ease that I gave her the right answer. I told her what she needed to hear. I soothed her estrogen-attack on my behavior. Rather than attempt to slay the dragon, I was lulling her away to sleep while I injected her scales with a chocolate/coke filled syringe.

Does this make ANY sense at all? ABSOLUTELY NOT?! Does anything that has a monthly rotation of bleeding for 3-5 days and DOESN'T DIE make any sense? Of course not. Guys, we will never be right. Whether it's with cinnamint offerings, pant sizes being too large, or which shoe looks better. We will NEVER be correct with anything that has estrogen flowing through its system. Because this standard has been set, we just need to cope with it. And so, I will be eternally grateful to the dear actresses in my life who taught me the one rule that has saved me, and will continue to save me from evil estrogen for the rest of my life;

The girl is always right.

What do you think?


  1. Ah, yes. The random estrogen attacks. The only time I use them is as a joke when I'm poking fun at females who think such outbursts are warranted and/or socially acceptable behavior.

    It's almost fascinating to hear the way women can twist words and make problems out of nothing. You provide a perfect example of this. Crazy Eyes sounds like she was just looking for a problem and that even if you had accepted the cinnamint gift you would have been wrong in some way. You handled it very well. Props to you :D

  2. I totally would have rebutted that it was rude to offer a gift without knowing me well enough to pick one she knew I liked. That's if I was in the mood to play along. Otherwise, I probably would have just told her to get over it.

    And I have a wife, two daughters, and live with my mother in law. The dog's a girl too. Hell, even the voice on my GPS is female. I'm outnumbered... But that doesn't make me wrong for no reason.

  3. Ok that was awesome and I am a girl but I do not agree. The girl is not always right and the girls that try to play that card are not right!

    Just thought you should know