Let's Blow Stuff Up

You want me to write a response about how ashamed I am that an 81-year old billionaire tosses out racist comments like a neo-Nazi? Don’t get your hopes up. For full effect, download “I Am So Sad, So Very, Very, Sad” by Crash and the Boys, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. You want me to write a blogpost slamming an egotistical bigot who still lives in a time where there were two different types of water...

For My Parents. Well, Sort Of...

A few weeks back I bumped into an old fire chief and his sweet wife in the bike store. Conveniently, this sweet couple are the parents of a girl I used to date back in high school. It’s been over a decade since I’ve seen either of them. Cue sudden rush of emotions. For full effect, download “Walk Home” by Thomas Newman and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well,...

Swiiiiiiing, And A Miss...

When I was eleven years old I wanted to be Johnny Knoxville. This was evident by the hysterical number of gags I would pull on my friends and sisters that always ended as brutally as season nine of “Scrubs”. And this is where I learned the principle of being grounded. For full effect, download “Take Me Out To The Ballgame” by Harry Caray, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. After my shenanigans, my parents...

Let Me Take A Selfie

I don't always take selfies. But when I do, I prefer to take them with a ridiculously good looking girl sitting on my lap. ...

And Then Life Gets Better

Life does a great job of running us into the ground, doesn't it? For full effect, download "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.  I mean that opening line with all sincerity, and not in a semi-depressed/glass half empty perspective. I mean it in regards that sometimes this thing we wake up to every single morning wears on us. It slows us down. Tires us out. In between car...

The Big "5-0-0"!

I have now reached the ripe old age of 500 blogposts, it's ok. Hold your applause. For full effect, download "Soldier's Poem" by Muse, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Usually when people hit a monumental moment in their careers, it causes a moment of reflection where they can look back on the highs and the lows, the best and the worst, they place a set of rose-colored glasses over their eyes as they reflect on...

Why You Should Steal A Baby

The following blogpost has been submitted by a fellow meathead blogger at the gym, who thought it would be nice to go out of his way and tell me the secret to finding a chick. For full effect, download "New Slang" by The Shins, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Going to the gym is actually the fourth most popular way that is not associated with the Internet and social media to meet a chick in today’s world. The...

This Is What I Know...

Hold your breath, I’m about to get a little bit religious on ya. For full effect, download “The Stable Song”, by Gregory Alan Isakov, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. If you were to ask me what are the two most influential factors that have shaped my current character the answer would be simple: The Gospel of Jesus Christ, and How I Met Your Mother. Now before you put on your rage face and rip into the...

April F***'s Day

Oh, you’re pregnant? Really? With twins? And you just won the lottery and are moving to Costa Rica? What’s that? April Fools? Oh yeah? Well f*** you!  For full effect, download “Take A Walk” by Passion Pit and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I would like to issue a formal apology to my Grandmother, my little sisters, and any future employers who feel offended by my use of the letter F and three asterisks...