Wednesday, April 2, 2014

April F***'s Day

Oh, you’re pregnant? Really? With twins? And you just won the lottery and are moving to Costa Rica? What’s that? April Fools? Oh yeah? Well f*** you! 

For full effect, download “Take A Walk” by Passion Pit and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

I would like to issue a formal apology to my Grandmother, my little sisters, and any future employers who feel offended by my use of the letter F and three asterisks for dramatic effect, but I felt it appropriate to show you how angry I turn when the rest of the world uses a Pagan holiday as an excuse to lie about events that we all know are false.

That includes you Scott Bingham, you selfless bastard.

Here are just a few of the examples I collected while rolling my eyes in bed last night scrolling down my waste of a social media connection.

Jane Does #1-318: “Can you believe it guys, we’re expecting a baby! I think today’s the day to finally break the news to everyone!”

You’re having a baby? Didn’t see that one coming. Why don’t you use the oldest and most overrated gag in the history of this holiday as an excuse to get more people to like your status? I think the correct verbiage should read, “Can you believe it guys, we are not an original couple! I think today’s the day to finally break the news that I have a really low self-esteem!”

Jane Does #319-589: “OMG everyone, … and I have finally agreed to tie the knot. We’re getting married!”

Now I haven’t heard that one before. I can see you either used this to trick your social media circles into thinking you are comfortable going to sleep alone every single night, or you are trying to spark some sort of jealousy with an ex. Either way, when your name gets put on the registry at Bed Bath and Beyond next fall I’m going to go ahead and purchase a heaping pile of cow sh** to be shipped to your front door you unoriginal buffoons.

By the way, thank you asterisk for letting me swear publicly on my blog.

John/Jane Does #590-715: “Did you see Jabari Parker can serve a full-time mission in whatever city he gets drafted to?” “Hey guys, have you seen the new MTC application you need to fill out in order to serve a mission?” “Hey check out this real, authentic pic of Snoop Dogg holding a Book of Mormon.”

Statements like these make me embarrassed to claim the LDS faith as my own. Of course I saw that “press release” letting Jabari serve a mission in Milwaukee. That makes perfect sense after he finishes a triple-OT thriller on Sunday afternoon to change into a suit and go tracting. How ignorant do you think I am? Snoop Dogg turning to religion? This guy is the mascot for the movie Half Baked, you think he’s turning his life to the big man upstairs? Come on people, you’re making our culture look pathetic.

Scott Bingham: “I have decided cycling is not my thing! I am selling my bike for $750. I paid $2,600 for it and recently put $900 wheels on it! Killer deal! Message me…”

You sonofabeech! You know what Scott Bingham, I got all excited about new wheels, and you ruined that, you selfish prick! THIS IS WHY PEOPLE FROM ROY DON’T TALK TO EACH OTHER OUTSIDE OF TEN YEAR REUNIONS WHERE WE ALL GET DRUNK! Thanks for destroying my hopes of an upgrade. I hope Karma comes out of nowhere and hits you with a VW bug on your next ride. That’s right, A VW bug!

Screw this holiday. Screw social media. Screw your malicious pranks, and screw you Scott Bingham.

Yeah…said that. 

What do you think?

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