Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Why You Should Steal A Baby

The following blogpost has been submitted by a fellow meathead blogger at the gym, who thought it would be nice to go out of his way and tell me the secret to finding a chick. For full effect, download "New Slang" by The Shins, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Going to the gym is actually the fourth most popular way that is not associated with the Internet and social media to meet a chick in today’s world. The third being going to the nearest Barnes & Noble and browsing over the love and relationships section for a few minutes until a girl stops by who A. does not have a wedding band chained to her finger, or B. has smears of mascara wiped away on the upper sides of her cheeks, thus indicating she is on the rebound. More than likely there is a carton of Ben & Jerry’s stowed within 50 feet of Type B girls in this scenario.
The second most popular way to find a girl is the age-old, “head to the bar” method, which surprisingly is one of the oldest methods out there, however does not lead to more successful relationships than it does to one-night stands. Statistically speaking, alcohol turns people's brain functions off as the night continues to drag on and no one has hit on them, and/or vice versa, they haven’t found anyone worth tossing lines at. But it is a proven method that the later you are out, the more intoxicated you become, the more appealing that single chick wearing a turtleneck that doesn’t fit over her love handles becomes Kate Beckinsale, and before you know it you’re doing the walk of shame.
It’s ok buddy, join the club.
The previous three all have merit and all have proven success rates if used with proper caution and planning, however the number one way to meet a chick in these modern times is to steal a child and go for a walk in the park. And when I say steal a child, I don’t mean create drastic situations that will be aided by milk cartons, I do mean monopolize on all of your married friends who can’t keep their hands off each other and offer up your services as a blue-ribbon babysitter. Within seconds you will have a newborn placed in your lap with a diaper that needs to be changed, all so the parents of that lovely child can have the privilege of taking a nap longer than three minutes.
It's a rather bold statement to say that parents hate their children, but oddly enough, that is the nearest emotion I can think of to describe how all of my married friends view their physical offspring. Maybe not hate, how about, loathe with unfathomable comprehension? Yeah, that sounds better. I say this because anytime I offer my services to watch their kids, the child is offered up like a human sacrifice, tossed out the door like a form of terminal cancer. They want to rid their house of this pestilence for as long as they can, just so they can get a small taste of what it was like to be an actual human being, and not a parent.
And I’m telling you that kid works wonders. Take him anywhere you want and you’ll find women following you around like Justin Beiber groupies. The grocery store, the mall, Wal-Mart, the best place out of them all is to take them for a walk in the park on a Sunday morning. You’ll have more girls flocking to you than the salmon of Capistrano.
The kid is your weapon, your warhead, your secret form of artillery that takes down stone fortresses and melts girls’ hearts like warm butter. And the best part is that he behaves. He doesn’t know you, he’s not used to the way you act, he’s unsure how to handle you. All he knows about you is that you show up once every six months to pat him on the head, and your face may or may not show up on his refrigerator around Christmas. That’s it. You’re not a stranger, so he doesn’t go into an atomic tantrum because you didn’t buy him candy like his parents always do. He’s on his best behavior, and little does he know he’ll get you a girl’s number before it’s nap time.

And that my friend, is the reason why you should steal a baby the next chance you get. 


What do you think?


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