PHST Day 6

In a few hours there will be just over 1400 miles logged on the wheels of Keith Tronic’s Honda Pilot. This delicate beast of an SUV has been littered and abused, compacted with empty Maverick cups, wrinkled info packets, and a couple hundred riveting nitrogen emissions from each one of our gastric systems packed into these leather seats. More amusing is how we hear Keith’s sphincter whistle going off every 20 minutes or so. For full effect, download,...

PHST Day 5

T.G.I.T. At least I think that it's Thursday. For some reason I have a slight inclination that this corner of the state does not believe in the concept of modern day calendars. That or golf cart paths. They don't seem to be that civilized out here. For full effect, download "In The Air Tonight" by Genesis and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Make sure you do the air drumming in sync with the build up as well. It emphasizes...

PHST Day 4

At this point on the trip, I have forgotten the number of cattle guards that we have crossed over. That tends to happen when you've driven 900+ miles in a four-day span. For full effect, download "As Long As You Love Me" by Justin Bieber and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. This seems to have been the background music for the entire trip thus far; with the Rhinestone Cowboy doing angled pelvic thrusts on beat. And...

PHST Day 3

For some reason small towns think that the best form of communication is to find the biggest boulder within 100 miles, plant it in front of a building, and then continually coat it with random shades of paint, thus serving the purpose of a multi-colored landmark, and extremely ugly advertising. For full effect, download "Home" by Michael Buble, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. To get the extreme feeling of what today...

PHST Day 2

There's a woman with eyebrows the size of Kentucky glaring at me for no reason. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little intimidated. But then again that's what you have to deal with in a place that use a port-o-potty as the town restroom. Bless that Anthony Davis impersonator. For full effect, download "People are Strange" by The Doors and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I've been wearing a set of Aviators the majority...

Week of PHST

I'm sitting in a Honda Pilot with two of the finest gentlemen to ever grace this earth, and this could in fact be one of the greatest road trips that I will have the pleasure of enjoying throughout my entire career. For full effect download "Somethin' Bout a Truck" by Kip Moore and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. The reason being is because that song has the closest voice style to the redneck accents that these two...

When You Gotta Go, You Gotta Go

Let me ask you one simple question: is it morally incorrect to lie about having to pee, in order to get out of a speeding ticket? Chew on that for a few minutes while I warm up the prelude music. For full effect, download “Bad Boys” which was the theme song for the show, “Cops” and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Everyone dislikes that heart-stopping pinpoint moment in their life when they glance in their rearview...

Wait, How Big?

We as humans often think of ourselves as mighty instruments. Our choleric, self-centered personalities mold us as individuals that believe we are the only ones that exist, that no one else does. However, there is much more out there that we as human beings are underestimating. For full effect, download “Insignificance” on the Binaural album by Pearl Jam and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. And yes, that’s just for...

You be the Big Spoon

I detest being the big spoon. But then again, that’s what I have to deal with since I have been graced with nearly six-and-a-half feet of pure man tissue, which by midget standards could be classified in the same realm as the creature at the top of Jack’s Beanstalk. I am gargantuan. This is my curse. For the record, I would like to relay that yesterday’s post had double the amount of views that I average on a daily basis. Along with its...

The C-Word

Get your mind out of the gutter. For full effect, download “Every Time We Touch” by Cascada and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. This will be a two-part post, with my epic introduction displayed tonight, and being dismally concluded tomorrow. Wait, did I just use the word epic again? I am such a trendy nimrod! Maybe I’ll go start a Twitter account or something. For the record, I think that I am a pure man, 100%...

Swamp Thing Smash!

I think that I'm more prone to burning bridges than building them. Of course I'm speaking figuratively in regards to the tattered relationships that lay in shards after my very blunt remarks this afternoon. For full effect download "Cold Hearted Snake" by Paula Abdul, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. By the way, if you're looking for some more motivational team-building exercises, just play jargon charades, unpack...

Make it Rain

Some people out there are in touch with their feelings. And then you have jerks like me. For full effect, download "The Thunder Rolls" by Garth Brooks and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Thanks for the heads up on that Liz. Todays post kids, is brought to you by the letter F. It's also brought to you by a group of awkward adults standing around rubbing their hands together and stomping their feet on the ground...

O-H!

I-O! to whoever left this note on my car...