Saturday, July 16, 2011

One Crazy Lady

I love the old women in my life. Especially the senile 91-year old Great Grandmother who shows up every now and then. On this particular afternoon, she and I shared a unique conversation on a drive to my Aunt's wedding in Bountiful, Utah. For the record, her blogalias shall be Golfing Granny Gordon, and may I add that G3 does not have Alzheimers, or any other mental disorder. She's just up there in Birthday candle count. This was the dialogue that followed between the two of us:

Golfing Granny Gordon: "Is this Bountiful that we just pulled into? I think it might be."

Swamt Thing. "Yes Grandma, this is Bountiful."

G3: "My word, you are getting so tall. I swear, you must've grown an entire foot since the last time I saw you!"

ST: "Yep, I'm getting up there." For the record, I have been 6 foot 4 1/2 since 2001.

G3: Confused/Perplexed/Bewildered "Where are we now? Is this Bountiful?"

ST: "Yes, this is Bountiful."

G3: "My word, I've never been up this far." For the record, G3 lives 10 minutes south of Bountiful in North Salt Lake.

G3: "So, are you still working for the Y?"

ST: "No Grandma, I work for Dixie State College. Remember? I never went to the Y, and have lived in St. George now for 8 years."

G3: "Oh, that's right. I forgot. Down at"

ST: "Dixie State College."

G3: "That's right. Dixie. Gotta love those Rebels." For the record, I love those Rebels as well.

G3: "Where are we now?"

ST: "We're still in Bountiful Grandma, remember? On our way to see Aunt Paula get married."

G3: "Oh, that's right. None of this place looks familiar at all." For the record, we had been at a red light for the previous 10 sentences.

G3: "So, how are the kids then?"

ST: "Um, the kids are good. You remember that I'm single and don't have any kids don't you?"

G3: "What? No kids? Scott, I thought you and Charity had four kids?" For the record, my Uncle Scott and Aunt Charity do have four kids, and live in St. George. But then again, I am not them.

ST: "I'm sorry, the kids are doing great! Yeah, with summer here they are enjoying all of their spare time." For the record, I find this instance a justifiable reason to lie.

G3: "Where are we again? I'm so lost."

ST: "We're in Bountiful Grandma. Remember? Bountiful."

G3: "Oh, that's right. Bountiful."

G3: "So, work is going well then son?"

ST: "Yep, I'm sure enjoying working for Dixie. Our enrollment is through the roof. Kids just want to come down to St. George and go to school."

G3: "Oh, St. George is nice. I've been there once or twice." For the record, she used to live there for 17 years. "Do you ever get down there to St. George?"

ST: "Every once in a while." Might I add, my Grandpa was in stitches in the backseat laughing at this conversation.

G3: "So are we in Bountiful?"

ST: "Yep, we are still in Bountiful."

G3: "So tell me, you dating anyone these days?"

ST: "Well, I keep my eyes open here and there. I'm sure I'll find someone sooner or later."

G3: "I sure do miss your last wife. It's too bad that you had to go and get a divorce from her." For the record, I have never been married before, and do not recollect filing for a divorce with anyone, not even my inflatable Russian mail-order bride.

ST: "Yeah, she sure was great."

G3: "When you gonna start having some kids then? Anytime soon? I need to have some posterity!" For the record, this woman has a whole slew of posterity floating around Northern Utah.

ST: "Oh, we're not thinking about having kids. Still waiting."

G3: "Well you should. That way you can improve on your golf game." For the record, I'm not sure how kids and golf can be correlated.

G3: "Wait, so are we still in Bountiful?"

ST: "Yep, we just got here. Just got to Bountiful Grandma."

Man, I love this senile old woman to death. Keep in mind this is the same woman who thinks I've been divorced, had kids, worked for the Y, and has grown a foot in the last two months. A woman who once tried to teach my 11-year old nephew how to kiss by showing him what a "make out" is. Mind you, that young man was scarred for life. And old woman who is the starting point for my entire family, and begins to tear up every time I give her a hug. I sure hope I'm as senile as her when I'm 91 years old.

What do you think?


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