Friday, July 8, 2011

I Want A Girl


I begin this post while seated in "The Sanctuary" of my campus. There will be an entire post devoted to my location in months to come. As a disclaimer, I add that this will be one of the most selfish posts that I will write. If you don't want to read about my life, then you can come back some other time when I am comically critiquing Transformers waiting lines, or my sister, Princess Moocher.

For full effect, download "Short Skirt, Long Jacket" by Cake from iTunes and play at maximum volume.

Over the past four months I have been given more dating advice than Dr. Phil could spit out on a 24-hour telethon. I have been set up, turned down, fizzled out, and awkwardly asked over and over again. I have had more people make attempts at "hooking me up" with their cousins, or as one friend so eloquently put it, "If we weren't related, I'd jump on her."

Sad to say, none of this has worked, and so therefore I release this post regarding what I am looking for in a mate. And if she doesn't meet these qualifications, don't come a knockin'.

For the record, this is a regurgitation of an opinion column I wrote for the Dixie Sun eight years ago. Hopefully this time it will work. With the help of John McCrea we shall get things started:

I want a girl with a mind like a diamond. I want a girl who knows what's best. I want a girl with shoes that cut and uh, eyes that burn like, cigarettes...

I want a girl who laughs at corny knock-knock jokes at 2 a.m.

I want a girl with a good education. I want a girl with ambition.

I want a girl who doesn't get grossed out with sweaty bastards who need to change t-shirts after reading the first chapter of The Hobbit.

I want a girl with a short skirt, and a long...............jacket...

I want a girl who makes home-made ice cream. I want a girl who knows how to add.

I want a girl who would enjoy being a True Rebel.

I want a girl who can identify Woody Hayes, Kobe Bryant, Jim Thome, Coach K, and Archie Griffin without having to google their images. I want a girl who can't outthink me with stats while watching March Madness, but doesn't get bored watching a triple-O.T. thriller.

I want a girl who puts up with dysfunctional relationships.

I want a girl who is the even balance between "high-maintenance" and "never-worn-make-up-or-a-clean-shirt-enance".

I want a girl who is not obsessed with country music and doesn't begin drooling whenever Brad Paisley, or Tim McGraw, or any other cowboy-hat wearing, guitar-twanging, mustache-donning fruitcake farmer comes floating over the airwaves.

I want a girl who knows how to communicate.

I want a girl with a smooth liquidation. I want a girl with good dividends.

I want a girl who has flaws, but doesn't see them as balls-and-chains, but rather areas that she can improve.

I want a girl who isn't bothered by my secret love affair with Sweet Virginia.

I want a girl who doesn't have the names of her kids already selected, and if she does, I want no outlandish spelling. Future daughter: "Hi, my name is Kendra, but I spell it with a Q-U!"

I want a girl who has been through her fair share of "tough stuff" but still stands on her own two feet.

I want a girl who will let me serenade her on long road trips in my semi-pathetic baritone voice.

I want a girl who always wants more in her life. I want a girl that will never settle, period.

I want a girl who will listen to my stories over and over and over again, even when she does know that Tara Turley doesn't exist, and I wasn't impersonating my older sister on that blind date.

I want a girl who is a challenge. One who I would call my better nine-tenths, rather than my better half.

I want a girl that I can one day say the L-word to.

I want a girl with a short skirt, and a long...............jacket...



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:The Sanctuary

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