Friday, October 26, 2012

You Make Me Vomit!

It is an extremely sadistic, yet satisfying feeling when your dinner violently rushes out of both ends of your body.

For full effect, read this entire blogpost in sexy sick voice. Wait, scratch that, read this entire blogpost in “I-just-threw-up-everything-since-last-Tuesday” voice instead.

It has been 1,217 days since I last upchucked my dinner. Scary that I know that so well, but I try and do a decent job remembering my heavings. The time before that it had been 1,939 days since I had thrown up. I’m kind of weird for tracking my throw up calendar, don’t judge. The actual reason that I remember these dates so well is because significant events happened around both of them. The first being the night before the 2004 Final Four, the most recent being the day that the King of Pop kicked the bucket, and the world was in a frenzy that we would never see the moonwalk again.

Nauseous Swamp Thing: “Hey Grandma, sorry if my throwing up last night kept you and Grandpa awake.”

Crazy Grandlady: “Shh, be quiet, Michael Jackson died, have some of that leftover Mac & Cheese for breakfast if you want.”

See the kind of abuse that I’ve had to put up with my whole life?

For the record, if you ever have that disturbed twitch to get Beto’s at one in the morning, eat half of a steak chimichanga, and put the rest in the fridge, do not go back and eat the rest of it 48 hours later. That steak chimichanga will kill you. True story. In fact, they almost had to put those words of council on my headstone three years ago I was that sick.

Here lies Brock
He shouldn’t have eaten Beto’s.

Yes kids, we all make mistakes in our lives, things that we’re not proud of. For some reason last night I thought that a massive plate of sushi and a maple bacon bar sounded appealing. If you’re just tuning in, a maple bacon bar is a solid choice of dessert served up by VooDoo Doughnuts up here in Portland, OR. I decided to walk a mile and a half into town and enjoy one of those last night. My throat and anus both feel that was the wrong choice to make.

SuperBryce: “Dude, what were you thinking? You got sick because those things have been just sitting around all day. That’s bacon that’s just been hanging out collecting germs.”

Swamp Thing: “I know, I know, but totally worth it.”

In hindsight, it really wasn’t worth it at all. I’ve been making hourly trips to the pottty, have had three showers, and have only been taking sips of Pedialyte and Seven Up all evening. A maple bacon bar and a sushi buffet was not the best choice that I’ve made in my life. But, that’s a thing of the past now. I’m back to Day One.

What do you think?


Post a Comment