Monday, October 22, 2012

Rexburg?

Sunday, October 21, 2012, 10:17 pm- This Idaho place is FREEZING! What was I thinking getting out of my car in just a pair of basketball shorts and a T-shirt? Yeah, sure I’ve been accustomed to the lovely weather of sunny St. George, but seriously, HTF can these people live up here?!

Monday, October 22, 2012 8:30 am- Whoever invented that annoying beep a.k.a. an alarm clock should have a bottle of Nair poured onto their unshaved back hair. Seriously, how do they think that a high-pitched squealing in F-minor will put a smile on my face whenever I decide to roll out of bed? I guess I could look at the bright side and realize that it’s just a resounding beeping noise and not a nine-month old screaming at the top of his lungs for a fresh batch of formula. #Kidsarenobueno.

9:58 am- I’ve always wondered why hotels give you a drool-sized amount of shampoo and conditioner no matter where you stay and think that it will satisfy your cleanliness. What if I’m a gigantic polygamist family of hippies with ridiculously long hair all staying in the same room? Hmm…well, now that I think about it, I guess hippies really wouldn’t be showering in the first place. Well played hotel shampoo bottles, well played.

11:41 am-Good old Rexburg, Idaho. I haven't been up here in over a decade. Come to think about it, I think the last time I was here was when Kristen Smart, Mckenna Miller and I all drove up for to audition for that performing show choir of Lagoon. What the hell kind of an acne-faced teen was I back in the day? Sometimes I wonder if I should slap my current self in the head so that future self doesn't have an abundance of shame and regret.

1:17 pm-So the most diverse restaurant I can find in this place is a 12-square foot rat’s nest that has a pineapple scribbled on the wall? And they call this the most happening sushi spot in all of Rexburg? How do these Idahoans endure food joints like this? That’s what they’re called right? Idahoans? Idahoites? Idahoes? No, that sounds a little too racy. Especially for a place that lives off of potatoes. Check please?

3:22 pm-If I’m not a hunter, gatherer, or big fisher, how would I survive in this place year round? Also, is it a state law that a pair of cowboy boots be added to the purchase of my mandatory Dodge Ram Diesel? It’s like everyone out here has a giant truck and an even more gargantuan pair of boots to go with it. It almost puts a paradox on the phrase “You know what big __________ means?” Big boots suggest that you have even bigger male organs, and quite the opposite if you have a big truck. I’ll never figure this state out.

8:06 pm-Olive Garden Waiter: "You see that table at the end there?"

Swamp Thing: "Yeah."

Olive Garden Waiter: "Well that kid, I went to high school with him, and he’s a total jerk. And tonight, he's proposing to his girlfriend right here."

Swamp Thing: "Seriously?"

Olive Garden Waiter: "Yep. He sure is. But I mean think about it, how lame is that? Who proposes to someone at Olive Garden, doing the whole cliché ring-in-a-champagne-glass trick. I'm telling you, that guy's a loser."

Note to future self-Don't EVER propose to a girl at Olive Garden.

What do you think?

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