Thursday, October 18, 2012

As Soon as it Left My Mouth...

A human’s ability to speak is something that I have had a monopoly on since I first started babbling out of my own mouth. With that being said, I will admit that I have been known to have a reoccurrence of saying very stupid things.

For full effect, download “Shut Your Mouth” by Garbage, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

I’m sure that there are a couple hundred people out there that can vouch for me being an oral moron. Chase Larsen, Mrs. Gooch, my sister Laura, the list goes on and on. I’m not proud of this, it’s nothing something that I brag about at parties, it is in fact my Achilles heel which has led me to be involved in more domestic disputes than your average double-wide Alabaman is a participant of. I could honestly start a separate blog that recounts all of the idiotic things that I’ve said over the years, and it would probably gain more followers, popularity, and hits than Randomity itself.

There certainly have been some lowlights over the years. There was the “that’s stupid” special ed mistake in 1993. Then, there was the weighty women whisperings of ’97. Most recently, there was the “Don’t curse word with me” error of the week of ROADS. Again, I’m not proud of some of the things that I’ve said, but life goes on.

This past week I have added yet another debacle into my encyclopedia of stupidity, which I will now share to put a smile on your face, dear reader. And honestly, the only reason that I’m blogging about this, is because I have to keep you entertained, and nothing else important has happened this week. Seriously reader, I’m relating an experience that is so boring, so trivial, so inconsequential, that it could… Eh, whatever, I’ll just tell the stupid story.

On a blustery Tuesday afternoon I was rounding the corner into a Taco Bell drive-thru where I would be indulging myself upon one of the finest fast food feasts an obese person could dream of. For the record, my eating habits of the past week and a half have been absolutely grotesque. In my mind, running a marathon justifies eating a double whopper and a five-pound bag of gummy bears all in one sitting.

For whatever chubby reason, I had decided that a Chalupa combo meal was my feast for the night. I went through the motions ordering my food, and was about to pull up and pay when at the last moment, the talking drone behind the mic asked me a question that was one of the most ridiculous, most absurd, most…alright, it wasn’t that big of a deal, I’m just trying to dramatize the story for your enjoyment, just hear me out.

Taco Bell Teen: “I have one Chalupa Combo #6 with a Mt. Dew, is that everything?”

Swamp Thing: “Yep, that should do it.”

Taco Bell Teen: “Alright sir, would you like make your drink extra large for just $.39?”

Swamp Thing: “Nope, I’m not that fat.”

Cue awkward long, long, long…pause.

Taco Bell Teen: “What. Did. You. Just. Say?”

Okay, maybe she wasn’t that firmly shocked in her response, I just figured the whole “period after every word” trend that all those idiots are using on Facebook would make you understand the significance of my stupidity.

Swamp Thing: “I uh… um… I meant…”

Taco Bell Teen: “Just pull up sir.”

I have never been more fearful of a drive-thru diner in my entire life as I was at that point. I wanted to back up and just drive home, but the line of cars prohibited that, and what looked like an F-350 Windstar parked in front of me, (I know, it was that beastly of a minivan) made sure that I wasn’t just driving on thru.

As I reached the second window, I was greeted by four teenage deathly scowls on overweight faces that were littered with acne. I know, we’ve all been through those points in our lives. No words were said the entire time I sat there. It was just a simple exchange of cash and a little plastic bag, all the while I was holding my breath in hopes that I wouldn’t be castrated and used in the next Grilled Stuft Burrito.

I grabbed my food, and got the heck out of dodge, ashamed at the cruel comment I made about my lack, and their potential abundance of obesity. Driving for what seemed like hours on end, I pulled off to one of the dirt roads in some foreign land, (again, exaggeration for dramatic effect). Looking inside the ticking Taco time bomb, all I found were three, warm, delicately wrapped burrito made out of plain old napkins.

Nothing else.

Well played Taco Bell, I certainly deserved that.

What do you think?

1 comment:

  1. I really hope you didn't eat that food. The spit that was in it could have carried a contagious dose of obesity. They really should make fast food places say, "would you like to mega mondo super duper size that AND ADD XXXX CALORIES."

    In other news:
    Obesity is ravaging the country and there is no reason that it should be put on the back burner and hidden. I say way to go B-rock.