How To Not Suck At Life

Stop. Seriously, just stop. For the love of Neil Patrick Harris, just stop it. I ask, nay, I plead, nay, I beg you from the depths of the soul I am pretty sure the good man upstairs blessed me with, for the sake of actual humanity existing, please stop posting links on your social media that you think will change my life.  Spoiler alert, they won't.  For full effect, download "Anthems For A 17-Year Old Girl" by Broken Social Scene...

Give Me A Break

The Danny Glover inside me doesn’t think I can handle the amount of miles I’ve logged over the last week of my life. For full effect, download “Hello” by Neil Diamond and play it begrudgingly at a very average volume for the remainder of this post. Gosh, I freaking hate Neil Diamond. That request was simply granted from peer pressure from my fellow bros in the car with me who have an extremely abnormal heterosexual obsession with that icon...

What Every Girl Dreams About

Mexico has always left a bad taste in my mouth. I know that sounds slightly racist, but just hear me out. For full effect, download “From This Moment On” by Brian White and Shania Twain and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. When you hear the words “Cabo San Lucas, Mexico” I’m sure the first few things that come to your mind are spring break, bikinis, and shots of tequila. However when I think of Cabo, I’m reminded...

The Fault In Female Thinking

Right now I'm having the hardest time trying to understand why cancer is such a turn on for girls. For full effect, download “Sorrow” by Boxcar Racer and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Me: “So let me get this straight, this movie which is an adaptation from a best-selling novel, is about a guy and a girl who fall in love, who also conveniently have cancer together. Is that right?” Megan: "Well, yeah…That's...

He's The Man

It's hard to thank the men in our lives for raising us by giving them a polyester tie from Sears, or a 116-piece screwdriver set from Wal-Mart, or bringing in a plate of burnt toast at the ungodly hour of 5:30 in the morning interrupting their sleep on a Sunday morning. A phone call, or an evening dinner, or a gift certificate to Bass Pro Shops will never repay the sacrifice and dedication that so many giants have given to us every single day...

Where's The Snooze Button?

Look, I know I'm a day late, a couple hundred bucks short, and two speeding tickets past my usual Wednesday evening post. But please, don't judge. For full effect, download "The Minstrel's Prayer" by Cartel and play at maximum volume for the next two paragraphs. I've got nothing left people, I really don't. I've been in a car with a pair of twins for just over 1,300 miles, behind a camera lens for nearly 35 hours, and have less than nine hours...

What Makes You Rich?

The world has created a theory that the more friend requests you have, the more people that retweet your 140 characters, or the more likes you have on that one selfie you took while bored at work, those are what make you rich. Well the reality is, that’s just a bunch of crap. For full effect, download “In Da Club” by 50 Cent, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Yesterday I woke up, had two bowls of Reeses...

Time Is Running Out

“I’m too old for this stuff.” –Danny Glover For full effect, download “You Learn” by Alanis Morissette and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I reference a censored quote from one of my least favorite film franchises that has only been resurrected by one of my most favorite TV franchises basically due to the fact that I am now an old man. I am decrepit. I am outdated. I am someone whose priorities include getting...