2014

Rather than post a Facebook link with all my useless tagged pictures hosting the tagline, “Thanks for all of the memories” or something else cheesy like that, I’ll go classy on this year to remember business and bombard you with a sarcastic/sentimental recounting of the last year of my life. Go ahead and close this browser now if you don’t want to laugh and cry in a matter of four minutes.   For full effect, download “Butcher’s Tale”...

Tradition!

You'll have to forgive me for my absence on this blog. Go ahead and blame the egg nog, frosting-smeared sugar cookies, and packages of socks for that.  Christmas season sure does have its effect on all of us. In fact, that's what I'll write about this afternoon. I...wait....something's off here...I uh...oh yeah...For full effect download "Tradition" from the soundtrack to Fiddler On The Roof and play at maximum volume throughout the duration...

What Happens In Vegas

Kids, some of the best moments of my life have happened in Vegas. For full effect, download “Tribute” by Tenacious D, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Please don’t misinterpret my hook line, because I’m not trying to impose in your minds any type of sexual or alcoholic innuendo whatsoever. All I’m saying is that I have been to Sin City many a time in my 10-plus year history in the small town 110 miles...

Give Me...

“A broken nose hair trimmer? Uh…thank you Grandma, I think? That sure is the nicest thing you’ve ever given me.” A broken nose hair trimmer kids. Yes, I legitimately got that for Christmas. And you wonder why I think she’s an escaped convict from a mental institution. For full effect, download “Presents” by Randy Newman, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I’ve told you that story before, I know I have....

Those Weren't My Plans!

When I was 17 years old I stood in the doorway of a girl’s apartment at Dixie State College and pulled the best chick-getting move I knew at that point in my life. 17-year old Swamp Thing in gym shorts and a dirty Ohio State shirt: "You doing anything later?" Bold, yet subtle at the same time. Brilliant, I know. Petite girl with curls named Fiona: “Umm...let me check my planner." Sorry, let me go ahead and interrupt this story...

The Best Gift

I think I found the lamest, most shallow, most pointless present available for splurging sessions this holiday season. And I'm going to get one for every single member of my family younger than 14, because they will devour this like Candy Crush.&nbs...

That Team Up North

It's been just over 24 hours since my beloved Buckeyes hammered our ultimate foe and rival, the University of Michigan. As triumphant of a victory it was, I still have a sour spot in my mouth after watching our Heisman-trophy candidate/freakshow of an athlete go down yesterday. With my pride still somewhat recuperating, I thought I would share my personal feelings about that one school 183 miles north. For full effect, download "Hang On Sloopy"...

I'm Thankful For...

It’s that time of year again. You know the drill. Everybody circle round, stop feeding your face with deep fried Turducken, Stovetop stuffing laced with cranberry sauce, and pomegranate Jell-O, turn off your iGadgets and lets all hold hands for a few awkward minutes while we look around the table and tell everyone what we are thankful for. I hated this tradition in my family growing up. For full effect, download “It’s A Great Day To Be...

Go Royals, Go!

This is for the kids tagged as an undervalued trail of waste, tossed to the side before the cards were ever even dealt. For all of the young guns with hearts of gold in their chests, underappreciated and counted out as mere leftover runts. For the blue-collar first generation student who never gets life handed to them on a silver platter. This is for the kids who are less than 48 hours away from the biggest game they will ever play in their...