It’s that time of year again. You know the drill. Everybody circle round, stop feeding your face with deep fried Turducken, Stovetop stuffing laced with cranberry sauce, and pomegranate Jell-O, turn off your iGadgets and lets all hold hands for a few awkward minutes while we look around the table and tell everyone what we are thankful for.
I hated this tradition in my family growing up.
For full effect, download “It’s A Great Day To Be Alive” by Travis Tritt and play at max…wait, hold on a minute, this nonsense sounds like country music. Go download “Gratitude” by the Beastie Boys instead. Yeah, that chaos sounds much better.
For the record, I never hated my Grandma for the previously mentioned tradition that my family performed over lukewarm soon to be leftovers. My Grandma is a Saint, except when she’s playing Pinochle. The only thing that really bothered me about it all was how insincere everyone’s comments were when they had the family spotlight blasted in their face full of mashed potatoes and gravy.
Cousin I haven’t seen in a year: “I’m thankful for the beautiful earth that we live on, and Mother Nature’s resplendent grace shining down on us. I’m thankful for the ambrosial feeling I have waking up every single morning and being able to count my inexplicable blessings.”
Me: “Any other things you want to use a gargantuan adjective with to make us know how you truly feel?”
Him: “Oh yeah, and I’m thankful for family, and God, and all that other stuff too. Amen.”
It was all a sham I tell ya, a sham! Kids copy and pasting the generic answers that we thought would get us an extra slice of pie and ice cream, meanwhile fancy pants cousins with English degrees would try and one up each other on the things that they were “truly” grateful for. It was a hoax of a tradition that everyone dreaded. And so with that being said, I’m going to set aside all of the fabricated hogwash and tell you what I, Brock Thomas, Swamp Thing formerly known as Seizure Boy, Bybee am truly thankful for.
I’m thankful for the Williams family in southern Virginia teaching me the principle of putting a half-cup of milk on top of my ice cream. Go ahead, try it. Your world will be rocked at that point.
I’m thankful for Christopher Nolan understanding that he has an incredible way of telling a story with a camera in his hands, and utilizing his skills to give us gems like The Prestige, Inception, and his latest masterpiece, Interstellar. Thank you Christopher for balancing out the universe of filmmaking to counter all of the Michael Bay nonsense out there.
I’m thankful for poppyseed muffins and strawberry milk, which is undoubtedly the best breakfast mixture anyone can come up with.
I’m thankful for the male version of Pinterest that keeps me entertained at 2 in the morning, letting me upvote random links and read interesting facts about life that are not relevant whatsoever.
I’m thankful that The Ohio State University is going to blow out that team from up north this weekend by 40 points.
I’m thankful for Crossword puzzles.
I’m thankful that Netflix is streaming all nine seasons of “How I Met Your Mother”, which gives me the ability to live vicariously through an architecture professor, and still cling to the hope that there is a girl with a yellow umbrella standing with her bass guitar at a train station somewhere.
Alright, I’ll say the cliché line that I’m thankful for my family. But I’m not just talking about my sweet Mother and four little sisters who are normally working every year when everyone else is pulling turkeys out of their ovens. I’m thankful for a pseudo-Father who taught me everything I need to know about my career. For a band of brothers who aren’t really my brothers that I watch football with on the weekends. For a Grandfather still teaching me lessons even after he’s been in the ground for three years. I’m talking about the people who I L-word, and I know without question they L-word me back.
It sure is a great time of year. I know this blogpost doesn’t really mean that much to you, because well, these aren’t things that you yourself are really thankful for, and I get that, but enjoy the holiday season anyway. Hold hands awkwardly with your loved ones, feed your face and watch the Cowboys lose, get Dew-faced with your girlfriends and go on a semi-racist named shopping spree at midnight. Be grateful for the things you’ve been given, and the people you’re with.
Even if they are embellishing cousins decorated with English degrees.