Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The Reason For LOL

First of all, there is no reason. There never was a reason, and there never will be a reason to use the above acronym in any social setting/open conversation/public speech/text exchange whatsoever. And if you had a hard time pronouncing the word acronym, I think you might want to close this window immediately.

For full effect, download “Til It’s Gone” by Yelawolf, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

Can I just say that I’m running into some difficult territory when it comes to being a man and not wanting to sound like a total and complete idiot when exchanging text messages with people across the state. The pickle I’m in (no pun intended) is that it’s difficult to send a written message to someone and have an underlying emotion attached to it that lets them know you’re not being serious about what you’re saying, and still be able to hold on to any shred of masculinity. Let me rephrase that, you can’t send a text to someone hinting at a sarcastic inside joke and still be able to hold on to your man card.

For example: Say I’m talking to a pretty girl somewhere and I’m trying to show off my debonair skills of vocabulary and plays on words, but I don’t want her to think that I am a cold, insensitive, Ebeneezer Scrooge who likes to kick puppies for a living, I have four different options to convey the message appropriately.

1. “The j/k” Do I need to explain what that stands for, or have the majority of you been familiar with sending a text message to someone for over a decade? The j/k is fine from a feminine standpoint, because lets be honest, girls can get away with absolutely anything. But when a man uses a j/k, all of a sudden his intelligence level gets washed down the disposal and replaced with a ‘Oh you’re one of those guys that wants to be taken seriously, but at the same time doesn’t want to be taken seriously, hence you’re probably living in your Grandmother’s basement, I’ll see myself out’ attitude.

2. “The Face” I write the face because it is a little difficult for me to spell out the face using actual punctuation and not have Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson fall through my ceiling and punch out my man card rights. But you all know what I’m talking about. Colon Hyphen Closed Parenthesis, Semi Colon Hyphen Closed Parenthesis, or the mother of them all, Semi Colon Hyphen Capital Letter P. Girls are fine sending out a :-) here and a ;-P there, because that’s what these things are: feminine to the core. The usage of these is actually a clever play on punctuation that shows a girl has a good head on her shoulders, but they’re for girls only. Plain and simple.

3. “The LOL” I think out of the four options, this one is the most ridiculous, simply because no one talks in acronyms. I understand the meaning behind the three capital letters, but this just ruins the flow of a dialogue. Text conversations try to appear as natural and normal as possible, and to toss in that repetitious symbol that you are laughing on the inside is about mood-killing as a case of halitosis.

4. “The Haha” This is what I have to resort to. The haha, as in, I’m using a play on words here that has a hint of an inside joke that we’re both sharing and I want you to understand that I’m being semi-serious, but not unintelligent or feminine enough to use any of the previous three methods. Haha. Get it? Do you get the humorous tone I’m trying to take and not look like a total fool? Haha. Or I hope and pray that my posterity doesn’t read any of my blogs or text messages because they will think that their old man was a nut! Haha. It’s all I have left. And sadly, it’s about as valuable as AA to an Irishman.

So back to the pickle. Where do I turn? What do I use? Is there any way in the digital technology world we’re all living in that I can use to put a slightly humorous/sarcastic touch on a message I’m sending to someone and not look like an oxymoron? Do I resort to italic font? All caps? Quoting the entire message? Texting in pig-latin? Ou-yay An-Cay Et-Gay An-Ay Exually-Say Ansmitted-Tray Isease-Day Om-Fray Evi-Lay Oving-Lay? There has to be a middle ground people, it’s out there somewhere.

Or…Or…I could just pick up the phone and call them instead. Hmm…that could fix everything.

What do you think?


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