It's been just over 24 hours since my beloved Buckeyes hammered our ultimate foe and rival, the University of Michigan. As triumphant of a victory it was, I still have a sour spot in my mouth after watching our Heisman-trophy candidate/freakshow of an athlete go down yesterday. With my pride still somewhat recuperating, I thought I would share my personal feelings about that one school 183 miles north.
For full effect, download "Hang On Sloopy" by The McCoys and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.
respect Michigan. That weaksauce waste of concrete pre-school hallowed
institution is one of the most pathetic underachieving mock circus tents
revered schools that our country has ever had the disgrace privilege of
recognizing. Michigan to me is like a filth-encrusted booger-eating in-bred
that I would want to flush down the toilet a pesky big brother.
I want to go to Michigan almost as much as I want to go
contract the e.bola virus to
Ohio State University. I get queasy twitterpated whenever I see the
words Go Blue. I would rather get chained to a stone wall, have vultures
pluck out my liver every day and be forced to eat my own vomit think the
world of that school. Heck, show me a girl who likes Michigan and I'll show you
a massively depressing plague of sexually transmitted diseases destroying
all life giving entities in its path an angel.
They have such
traditions at the U of M. And honestly, every time that I hear their annoying
celebratory fight song "Hail to the Victors" it makes me want to
chew shards of glass and sit on a lit barbecue while getting a papercut across
my eyeballs triggers an emotional response inside me. A response of pure nausea
respect for those sissy-smelling schmucks revered individuals.
no class whatsoever. This is a school that once had a cocky bunch
of disrespectful handful of freshman called the Fab Five lead them to
triumphs in the NCAA Basketball tournament. Of course they will be known for the
fact that they accepted over $610,000 in illegal benefits from a crook
recruiter who couldn't keep the rules thus aiding the Michigan players into
cheating their way to victory their valor.
Michigan football certainly has
never accomplished anything much in their history.
Their players have won fluke Heisman trophies, as well as winning
multiple store-bought Big Ten Titles. One of my most favorite moments
was when Division II Appalachian State beat them down on their own home
field they shared a national title with Nebraska back in 1997, which they
didn't even play in the title game to secure the championship. I have never
met a person who cheered for those wretched Wolverines that I didn't absolutely
loathe and disgust revere and admire. They have no dignity or respect or
humility or moral standards of any kind, or even a withered explanation of a
There have been a few
major spats between us over the years, out of pure hatred and
bitterness revelry. One of the most notable was when the great Woody Hayes
refused to fill up the team bus with gasoline from a station in Michigan. In
fact he had two assistant coaches walk three miles to the Ohio border to get
gas just so that he wouldn't have to contribute to Michigan's piss-poor
economy. Events like this certainly show how much the Buckeyes can't stand
anything that Michigan has to offer can be taken tongue in cheek with a
smile on our faces.
Yes, Michigan is
joke of a handicapped giraffe our fierce rival. We certainly have had a few
bouts over the last decade or so. They should certainly be proud of that fluke
win they had a few years back, I'd sure be proud too if my 15th ranked squad
barely beat an unranked team for the first time in eight years with a freshman
QB in a nail-biter on my home field of my boys as well. All in all, there will
be battles in the years to come, and I will always enjoy beating them down
to a pulp like we do every year the competition. The University of Michigan
should be thrust down to Hell always cherished.