Sunday, November 30, 2014

That Team Up North

It's been just over 24 hours since my beloved Buckeyes hammered our ultimate foe and rival, the University of Michigan. As triumphant of a victory it was, I still have a sour spot in my mouth after watching our Heisman-trophy candidate/freakshow of an athlete go down yesterday. With my pride still somewhat recuperating, I thought I would share my personal feelings about that one school 183 miles north.

For full effect, download "Hang On Sloopy" by The McCoys and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post.

I hate respect Michigan. That weaksauce waste of concrete pre-school hallowed institution is one of the most pathetic underachieving mock circus tents revered schools that our country has ever had the disgrace privilege of recognizing. Michigan to me is like a filth-encrusted booger-eating in-bred that I would want to flush down the toilet a pesky big brother.

I want to go to Michigan almost as much as I want to go contract the e.bola virus to Ohio State University. I get queasy twitterpated whenever I see the words Go Blue. I would rather get chained to a stone wall, have vultures pluck out my liver every day and be forced to eat my own vomit think the world of that school. Heck, show me a girl who likes Michigan and I'll show you a massively depressing plague of sexually transmitted diseases destroying all life giving entities in its path an angel.

They have such dismal traditions at the U of M. And honestly, every time that I hear their annoying celebratory fight song "Hail to the Victors" it makes me want to chew shards of glass and sit on a lit barbecue while getting a papercut across my eyeballs triggers an emotional response inside me. A response of pure nausea respect for those sissy-smelling schmucks revered individuals.

Michigan has absolutely no class whatsoever. This is a school that once had a cocky bunch of disrespectful handful of freshman called the Fab Five lead them to triumphs in the NCAA Basketball tournament. Of course they will be known for the fact that they accepted over $610,000 in illegal benefits from a crook recruiter who couldn't keep the rules thus aiding the Michigan players into cheating their way to victory their valor.

Michigan football certainly has never accomplished anything much in their history. Their players have won fluke Heisman trophies, as well as winning multiple store-bought Big Ten Titles. One of my most favorite moments was when Division II Appalachian State beat them down on their own home field they shared a national title with Nebraska back in 1997, which they didn't even play in the title game to secure the championship. I have never met a person who cheered for those wretched Wolverines that I didn't absolutely loathe and disgust revere and admire. They have no dignity or respect or humility or moral standards of any kind, or even a withered explanation of a heart.

There have been a few major spats between us over the years, out of pure hatred and bitterness revelry. One of the most notable was when the great Woody Hayes refused to fill up the team bus with gasoline from a station in Michigan. In fact he had two assistant coaches walk three miles to the Ohio border to get gas just so that he wouldn't have to contribute to Michigan's piss-poor economy. Events like this certainly show how much the Buckeyes can't stand anything that Michigan has to offer can be taken tongue in cheek with a smile on our faces.

Yes, Michigan is a joke of a handicapped giraffe our fierce rival. We certainly have had a few bouts over the last decade or so. They should certainly be proud of that fluke win they had a few years back, I'd sure be proud too if my 15th ranked squad barely beat an unranked team for the first time in eight years with a freshman QB in a nail-biter on my home field of my boys as well. All in all, there will be battles in the years to come, and I will always enjoy beating them down to a pulp like we do every year the competition. The University of Michigan should be thrust down to Hell always cherished.

What do you think?

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