The Electric Theater

Fear means something different when you’re dead. Instead of the rubberstamped hallmarks that have been dramatically overused throughout the years, dark houses, vampires, werewolves, you know what I mean; fantasized ideas that a group of teenagers recite over the trailing embers of a campfire. None of those things are actually scary are they? You tell me. When you’re dead, you are the one who is in control of what brings fear. You are the one who decides what provokes terror into the hearts of those who are seeking it. You are the one...

A Display of the Dead

Walking around in a room full of dead people isn’t as creepy as you would think. Until you get to the part of the exhibit that shows the front torso of a woman bearing a 4½-month child, and then you start to get a bit squeamish. Mind=blown, I know. For full effect, download “Your Body is a Wonderland” by John Mayer and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Walking through the Boise Discovery Center this afternoon,...

Idaho? Where are you?

This foreign world that they call Idaho is a scary place I must say. ...

The Front Porch Test

In our lives we have different levels of relationships. There are the people we don't know about, the casual acquaintances, the stalking Facebook friends, the pals from the past, the family members that we're afraid of, and then there are the people who pass what is called "the Front Porch test." Lily Aldrin: "When I picture the future, I picture us all together when we're older, playing bridge on the front porch of our beach house." Marshall...

O-H-I-O!

While recruiting my tail off at a college fair in Portland, this family came to my booth and tried to do the same for a school in Ohio. Props to them for being loyal Buckeyes....

You Make Me Vomit!

It is an extremely sadistic, yet satisfying feeling when your dinner violently rushes out of both ends of your body. For full effect, read this entire blogpost in sexy sick voice. Wait, scratch that, read this entire blogpost in “I-just-threw-up-everything-since-last-Tuesday” voice instead. It has been 1,217 days since I last upchucked my dinner. Scary that I know that so well, but I try and do a decent job remembering my heavings. The time...

Welcome to: (Insert Destination Here)

Having to crouch while peeing in the lavatory of a Boeing 737-400C is not a skill that a man of my size has mastered just yet. For full effect, download “Madness” by Muse and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Bonneville Senior: “You know the best way to sum up Idaho is that we have bi-polar weather; you never know what you’re going to get.” Okay Forrest Gump’s soon to be mother, if bi-polar weather means a euphoric...

They Call Me Tater Salad

Watching TV in this great nation you have more than likely heard the benchmark phrase for Dunkin' Donuts, "America Runs on Dunkin'". I think that slogan can be changed just slightly for this great frozen territory, which should say, "Idaho Runs on Potatoes." For full effect, download "Hot Potatoes" by The Kinks, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. They absolutely L-word potatoes up here, more than they L-word cows,...

The Freezing World of Wal-Mart

WTF is this white stuff falling out of the sky? And how come I can see my own breath in this hotel room? I’m going back to bed. For full effect, download “Baby It’s Cold Outside” by Zooey Deschanel and Leon Redbone, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Also, please go turn up the thermostat, because I’m freezing my Royal Rastafarian Nenes off in here. (LTT) I should have known to pack more than just running clothes...

Rexburg?

Sunday, October 21, 2012, 10:17 pm- This Idaho place is FREEZING! What was I thinking getting out of my car in just a pair of basketball shorts and a T-shirt? Yeah, sure I’ve been accustomed to the lovely weather of sunny St. George, but seriously, HTF can these people live up here?! Monday, October 22, 2012 8:30 am- Whoever invented that annoying beep a.k.a. an alarm clock should have a bottle of Nair poured onto their unshaved back hair. Seriously,...

Week of Soggy Spuds

Brace yourself, this could make your pants messy. Today kids, I have embarked on what will be the longest road trip I will ever complete in the history of my life. I will travel to far away lands, foreign worlds, uncharted territories, places such as Idaho and Portland. For full effect, download "Across the Universe" by The Beatles, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Throughout my blogging career I have written some...

The X-Factor

I got a text this afternoon letting me know about an epilepsy art show being sponsored in Salt Lake, inviting anyone affected by seizures to submit something for the gallery. I asked them if a canvas full of splattered paint would be the epitome of properly themed art. They didn’t think that was very funny. What? I can make jokes like that, I’m one of them. For full effect, download “Hey Ya” by Outkast and play Andre 3000’s line “Shake it”...

As Soon as it Left My Mouth...

A human’s ability to speak is something that I have had a monopoly on since I first started babbling out of my own mouth. With that being said, I will admit that I have been known to have a reoccurrence of saying very stupid things. For full effect, download “Shut Your Mouth” by Garbage, and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. I’m sure that there are a couple hundred people out there that can vouch for me being an oral...

When I'm a Professor

I think that when I'm the one who is handing out the exams, and not the student filling out the answer sheets, I will always use questions like this. ...

Those Were the Days...

As a young lad, I dreamed of the day when I would one day have the privilege of wearing the sacred blue and orange, owning the rights to being a die-hard Mt. Crest mustang. But then for some reason my parents decided to relocate to Roy, and it’s all been downhill ever since. Kidding. Come on Royals, take a joke. It’s not that Roy is one of the ugliest places to live in the entire western hemisphere, it’s just that I didn’t want to leave Nibley/Hyrum....

Week of Cache

I still can't feel my legs. For full effect, download "Last Dance With Mary Jane" by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. That is probably the first music video that I ever saw as a child. Seeing as how I am still in the fetal position, and despite the fact that my boss has asked that I stand before a group of booger-eaters three hours a day, I will be composing a short "week of"...

Wait...How Long?

Barney Stinson: “Here’s how you run a marathon. Step one, you start running…There is no step two.” And that kids was the best advice that I got in preparation for this madness. For humoring future generations, I would like to give you a mile-by-mile recap of what I was thinking about the entire race. And…cue the starting gun. Mile 1: Alright, here we go. The next five plus hours of my life may turn out to be something I’ll regret long...

Who's the Man?

Growing up I was overly misconceived with the falsehood that I would get more chicks if I could tell you the starting line up for the 1992 Portland Trailblazers. Apparently, that is not the secret to winning a girl over. For full effect, download “Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. In my research as a single white male, I have come to the conclusion that there...