Costco is Slowly Killing Us

Deep down, I think we all know that Costco is slowly strangling us to a suffocating state of sloth-related behavior. Honestly, just pause for a good 45 seconds and think about the concept of Costco. Sit back in your double-stuffed office chair while stretching out your 42-waste barbecue sauce-stained sweatpants, meanwhile placing your right hand in cupping position on your chin, while looking at the ceiling above you at a nice 60-degree angle...

How I Met Your South Park

Saw this on Reddit the other day, and thought whoever came up with this mash up is geni...

The Status

Yes, I’m going to vent a little bit about a minute issue in our lives that has nothing important to do with the way that our society functions as a whole. That’s what I always do. Since the inception of Facebook, (and yes, I only used that word because of a popular Leonardo DiCaprio movie) there has been a plague among us that has done more damage than the SARS virus did. I’m talking about the way that we all tell the world about the pointless...

Never Have I Ever

It's a sad day now that the cherished Richard Briggs has moved on to better places. And by better places I mean a small town in the middle of New Mexico. But hey, he is now in essence, the editor-in-chief of a regularly publishing newspaper. How many of you can say that was your first starting gig right out of college? Yeah, that's what I thought. For full effect, download "Crazy Life" by Toad the Wet Sprocket, and play at maximum volume...

Day 5

It’s 11:16 at night and my own guts hate me for the smorgasbord of processed food that has been jam packed down my throat for the past four days. I think for every appetizer that has been ordered on this trip, a marathon runner has died in its behalf. Moments like tonight make me wish deep down that I were a closet bulimic. And no, I don’t read minds Derek Zoolander. For full effect, download “Sweet Dreams” by the Eurythmics and play at maximum...

Day 4

Yeah so what if those are bags underneath my eyes. And quit hating me if I have eaten 3,000+ calories in the last 8 hours. Don't judge, that's just how I roll. (Pun intended) I would like to give a shout out to Average-size Applegate and Mrs. Dixie Bo Jackson for joining me in the "I-shall-not-swear-from-this-moment-forward" pledge. Hopefully we can keep this mother-****ing vow up. For full effect, download "The way I Am" by Eminem and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. Quote of the day: "It looked like period throw...

Day 3

Wait, wait, let me get this straight, it's only Tuesday? It feels like November right now this week has been such a marathon. Is this what a marathon feels like Rhinestone Cowboy? If so, I want my money back. For full effect, download "You Make My Dreams" by Hall and Oates and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. That one's for you Mr. Dixie Bo Jackson. Quote of the day-There's actually two, both of which proclaimed by the Mrs. Dixie Bo Jackson: "That's a buttload. I mean honestly, how many of those do you think you...

Day 2

Its 9:56 and I've already zoned out. Don't ask me why, all I can say is that I was a few moments away from eloping to the nearest bar for my virgin escapade into raging alcoholism. For full effect, download "Broken" by Seether and Amy Lee and play at maximum volume throughout the duration of this post. The Rhinestone Cowboy sings a good rendition of that. So does Keith Tronic, just an octave higher. It has been a long Monday. One that has worn me thin both physically, and mentally. But so what? Who cares? It's a road trip. The best and worst...

Week of R.O.A.D.S.

I’m plopped in the passenger seat of an 11-butt cheek imprint Ford E-350, surrounded by some of the finest individuals that I have ever had the privilege of meeting in my short 27-years on the Lord’s green earth. Yes, I am back on the road. And this may be one of the most entertaining weeks of my life. Being on a road trip conjures up some of the most outlandish, left-field, WTF aspects of your personality. Don’t ask me why. I’ve never...

We Are All Douchebags

We’ve all seen them before. Watched them from a distance at Friday night parties. Listened to bragging rants about their bicep workouts at Golds Gym earlier that day while they flex to point the direction of the gym. Yes, you all know who I am talking about. The bleached-tipped, popped-collared, pink-shirted creatures that are also known as douchebags. For full effect, download any song by Kanye West and play at maximum volume throughout the...